don't feel guilty: we deserve all good things that will happen to us

i thought i already had a life of relatively intense situations, extreme emotions, record ups & downs. but my greatest heartbreak just occured as i walked by his room and saw the emaciated, depressed, dying man- my grandfather- wrapped in blankets, sleeping on his bed.

my mom doesnt cry about it and my aunt doesnt cry about it and my grandma doesnt cry about it and i was just thinking about how i should be strong like them but then the intense weight of trying to be strong in a devestating situation crushed down on me and i am not yet the woman who can hold back her tears.

&

this is what i look like on mushrooms

side note: what the fuck how big is my hand

i'm exhausted. i want to take a shower but i'm tired. i want to change my clothes but i'm tired. i want to fall in love but i'm tired. i want to go lie down. but i wont be able to fall asleep.

i've been wearing the same jeans and tshirt for the past 4 days so i'm extremely comfortable. i just shower and then put them back on and then before i go out i put on a sweater and a jacket, because layering is really cool even though i'm always out layered by one individual. also my boots. i've been wearing them for about a week straight. so today i was wearing my week straight boots and, oh i almost forgot today i am wearing my favorite underwear, so i'm wearing my week-straight boots, my favorite underwear, my jeans and tshirt, which is joes, and a sweater and the backpack purse i got at goodwill because it was cheap and i feel FUNNY every time i use it, and i walk in the house(no jacket because it wasnt that cold yet) and my mom was making fried fish and mashed potatoes and it smelled good.



ha.

&stuff from this week

November 25 at 10:23pm
'i'm really full and really tired' i said because he looked like thats how he felt. then i sat down on the couch next to him as he agreed and pulled me closer so my head was resting on his chest. i didnt put my full weight down because i dont know how strong he is anymore. i could hear his heart beating and his breathing and i hoped someone would walk by and take a picture but then i thought it didnt really matter because i would remember this and my neck started to hurt because that was the only thing supporting my weight and i started to think about all the people i've lied down next to and stared into their eyes and listened to breath and how much i want to lie down and stare into his e yes and cry and i wont have to say anything and he could cry and he wouldnt have to say anything and i never know how to deal with anything so i dont know how to tell him how much i love him because i say 'i love you' and it doesnt sound like enough and so then i said i need coffee and got up and drank coffee and i guess he doesnt look that much different than other grandpas now, but he looks a lot different than hes always looked and hes typing out his old journals and hes not taking as many pictures and i need to do something but i cant figure out what the fuck it is. so then i was mean to hayley.

November 24 at 11:58am
today my grandma was making a cake and she gave my grandpa the bowl and spoons she was using after so he could lick the chocolate batter off. he was sitting at the desk on his laptop licking this huuuuuuge spoon and my grandma said 'he loves doing that he used to lick the spoons when he was a little boy all the time because his mom baked a lot' and i looked at him and he looked like a little boy.

November 23 at 10:11pm
i sat and watched the bay area news for one hour because i wanted to sit next to my grandpa and thats what he was watching. he passed me a list of all the cities he went to on the freedom tour. i read it. we kept sitting there. there was a story about north korea/south korea he made the 'psssssh' noise he always makes. i said yeah. then there was story about the pope saying male and female prostitues using condoms would be the lesser evil compared to them infecting others with HIV and the reporter said that it was a sign of the church changing and he said 'well it needs to change' and i said 'yeah it does' then the weather was on and he had kept talking about how cold it was going to get so i said 'did you see that?! 28 in napa today!' and he went 'pssssssh' and then he said 'its going to freeze tonight, we are going to lose some plants' and i didnt hear him so i didnt respond and then i thought about it and i figure out what he said but it was too late to respond so i said nothing. then he muted it when there was commericals on and i said 'theres way too many commercials' and he said 'yeah. i will leave this with you now, because i am going to sleep' and i said 'yeah you guys need to wake up early to go to the hospital and he said i dont think heard me so he didnt say anything and then a few seconds later he realized what i said and he said 'yeah pretty early' and then he explained how to use the remote control to me. its the same remote control we have at home. i know how to use it. but he explained it to me for a solid three minutes and i let him and i asked questions about it. i didnt do that just because hes dying. i've always let him explain things to me that i already understand. like this one time in budapest, he was showing me and my mom and sara and paraic how to use the metro. we passed the stop we were supposed to get off on. i whispered to paraic, 'we were supposed to get off there' and he looked at me and was kind of laughing and said 'why didnt you say anything?' and i said 'because my grandpa is showing us how to use the metro' and then two stops later my grandpa realized we had passed it and we all got off and then back on going the other way.


i dont know what the fuck to do

November 22 at 7:12pm
i just want my grandpa to get mad at me for being on the comptuer. he always used to flip out when we were on his computers because he doesnt want us to break them. i've been on it for 30 minutes and hes walked by twice and not said anything and he came back from mcdonalds with two large french fries beacuse he wante dtha to eat and only that and i sat there and ate way more pieces of pizza then i was actually hungry for because i wanted to watch his hands pick up the fries and put them in his mouth and i love his fingertips and i want him to care about me being on this stupid computer right now but hes depressed and hes dying and all he realyl is thinking about is how tired he is and what time chemo is tomorrow and his headache and how hes not going to be able to sleep tonight and I DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO.

hey
baron just came over

haha

he walked in the front door, and then alec walked into the living room with an iguana on his arm

hahahahahaha
perfect set up

and baron backs up and shuts the door
and we started laughing
and then he came back in, slowly, with the door half open and then the lizard starting crawling on alecs arm
and baron shut the door again
and then he said 'its not that i'm afraid of them, i just dont LIKE them'

hahahahaha
baron hates
lizards

hahahaha

straight up

i know!
i know that now

and snakes

it was so funny

ohh god
i would have died to see that

hahahah
it was good
and then he was talking about how he cant swim
and he was showing us how he tries to swim
it was great

hahahahahaha
hes great man

yes he is

its gonna be legit when all the stewarts are home

will you all be home the same time?

yezzir

how
cute

lol
you fuckin type how you talk man
its hilarious
hahahaha

ahahah
my friend just told me that last night
how else am i supposed to type?

i dunno son
lol

OKAy and you dont?

dude
EVEN YOUR CADENCES
are the same

ahahaha

press enter

what?

you press enter in a way that replicates the way you'd pause when you talk
its ridiculous
hahah

ahahahaha
whatever

its good though

okay i can accept it

good
cus it makes me laugh consistently
cus its nuts

so today is the 29th. you are going to be home

in like...

in like..... 20 days
right?

hahahahaha

ahahaha
oh my god

yes
i know you

man apparently so

i've been trying to log onto this for days. it never works. now all the sudden its working. its odd how much i just cannot stand to physically WRITE in a journal anymore. i brought one with me. but i so prefer typing now that its been left at the bottom of my bag the entire trip. and my e-mail has been stacking up with my emails to myself. and i got drunk last night at an irish pub with my parents shane and alec and texted 5 people a mediocore thats what she said which i thought was hilarious and my dad was telling funny golfing stories and my mom liked EVERY song that came on. and shane alec and me got really high before we came back to my grandparents and it was freezing and fun.

driving up with my mom and hayley i realized the last time i was here was with m a little over a year ago and we took the exact same route, the 101. i didnt care, well i dont know i felt like it was okay and i kept a look out for the spot on the opposite side of the road where we peed and took pictures on the way back home and i never saw it and i didnt care and that was okay too.

iLike

my cousin is here and i'm waiting for erika to come over and then i'm going to sleep bye

there are these shoes at payless that i want.

a lot.

& with madison

why'd you tell me about bri's birthday party at your house
?
earlier

because you're coming right?

what?
how
im in NY

sounds boring

alright
tad aggressive there
hows LA
?

fine
i have a cold

wait
so did you start working at those schools

yeah i work at a school in hacienda heights, fullerton, and la mirada
they're fun

thats dope
do the kids think you're hot

hahah
a few of them in one of the classes call me "professor christin my love"
i told them not to

hahaha
awesome

yesterday was really dope my mom woke me up and made breakfast and it was just us home and it was nice and we had coffee later we went and picked up hayley and her friend, kayley and we had pho for lunch and my mom said we could all get TAKACH as a tattoo which is my grandpas last name and i was telling dominica about it at dinner and all the sudden it was really hard not to cry and the only thing i could say was 'i dont want him to die' and fuck if i mean anything i mean that but after pho we went to savers and i helped hayley find a bunch of shit and i got pants which make me feel like a lesbian but i like them and then i came home and dominica came over and we went to phlight and got accidently drunk and when we were sitting there i told dominica 'you know that feeling where it feels like everything is a dream sort of and you are just moving through it?' and she said 'yes' and i said 'this feels like the exact opposite of it. i feel so real right now. i'm at phlight with you and my brother is working and its just me and you and i dont know i feel like.... shits so real' and then we laughed because we were already drunk and then we drove around and then we went to the 40 which i havent been to in a long time and had huge beers etc.

sometimes people are on acid and i like it

hey goodmorning sunshine,
i want to tell u how much i love you and how while im typing this on my phone as i just saw the sun coming up for the first time ever it seems i can hear you reading this off the computer somewhere thats not your house in your little elf voice, probably making fun of me and then when i make an ugly face in disgust to your funny elvish accent and then i tell u i hate you,we laugh because im funny and youre not. oh shit my moms coughing i gtta go piece out bitch im on drugssssssssssssssssss oh and tell everyone how cool i am because im tripping on lsd, and because i figured out that id like to see this same sun rise and set on different landscapes....and your pictures of your trips to where ive never been are so romantic and im in love with u because your like the female version of shane, and that i beautiful, except you two hate each other sometimes but then you laugh together and it makes me want to cry but shit the sun is really bright and christin you are going to be alright and even if youre not, i hope my displaced commas will comfort you because you are amazing and simple and really funny just like your brother oh shit there i go agaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain

conversations with kevin king

kevin: omg,

me: omg you should be asleep

kevin: noooo way\
you

me: okay tough guy

kevin: uhmmm
ill fight youu

me: hahaha
i know

kevin: 25 arm nars
bars
im drunk
goodight

me: goodnight

4th graders (at private schools) are chill

'hey um teacher um uh... can i... i have a question....can i ask you? but i dont want everyone else to hear? can i ask you a question though?'

sure! whats up

'um well, okay, do you believe in God?'

oh, yeah... i do.

'cause i know you're a scientist and i know you guys don't believe in God and i just wanted to know if you did since you're a scientist'

yeah man, i do. i mean, not everyone in science doesnt believe in God, its just some people. and you don't have to pick right now.

'okay good. because i do. and i just ... im just glad you do too'

cool. lets get back to magic!

'i love MAGIC'

me too.

i had like 10 dreams last night.
1. an earthquake, which made me wake up
2. i had to live in a house with people from my work who i dont really know/am not sure if i like and this feeling of 'oh my GOD THIS SUCKS' kept creeping up on me and i kept rejecting it and thinking 'but maybe it can be okay? yeah. it can be okay'
3.erika was showing me a house on a weird street where they film porn
4. a stupid one
5. i was at norms. come to think of it, everyone i knew circa 2008 was at norms. i dont know why.
6. a maze.... i think



and maybe i only had 6 dreams.

there are so many things i dont like. about how and who and why and where i've been. but there are these just really average sort of days where i feel like, its okay.

i constantly find myself struggling to make people happy, usually my parents. because they deserve it. i think it doesnt matter what i do. i keep remembering sitting in donastrausse with paraic and crying and telling him how much i just want to be a good daughter for them. he said something that made me feel better. i cant remember it.




i dont even know what the fuck.

i fucking love girls. i love everything about them.

last night was warm and windy. erika and i were reading on the top bunk for awhile. i couldnt sleep. i said it out loud. erika couldnt sleep either. i opened the window and watched the leaves and shadows of leaves on the garage.

i had decided everything and everyone i was going to vote for before i got to the poll. but then, at the last second, my inner stoner burst forth from within, and i voted yes on prop 19, with a giggle.

the sun and shade and wind and leaves and cigarettes and smoke and concrete and clouds and hands and eyes and breathing and teeth

its like i dont feel like i get that drunk, but i must get just drunk enough. because i'm always mostly confused after.

erika is just a small tiny little girl that looks like a mouse and she likes to sleep and eat and cuddle with me. she takes care of her vagina. her dad makes us dinner all the time. she makes out with joe. king.

andy is just a small tiny little boy that looks like.... a cat? he likes to smoke cigarettes and eat spaghetti. he sits in erikas bed with us and watches movies and the lakers. he is always hungry. yesterday he had crazy farts.


john is funny. he yelled "FUCK" at erika today. so she finally took her car to car max.


i love you.

i woke up from a three hour nap today. i need naps. theres a weird movie on tv. about making porn.



bla bla bla bla making out

i'm going to be a kid forever.

wearing rain boots, max's worn in jeans and hayleys new big sweater. its grey outside.its raining outside. i feel so incredibly comfortable.

but now i'm torturing myself looking at the broken social scene tickets for sale on craigslist.

i i dont know, i'm sad i wont see the kids from my tuesday class anymore. i didnt even like them, but now that i know i wont see them, i'm sincerely bummed the fuck out.

the fact that i will soon be 25 keeps coming up

sometimes i know what i want
but
then sometimes i dont care



and so,
sometimes out of nowhere i dont want what i wanted.

i mean shit like this. i cried watching the miners getting rescued today. and i walked right into the wall in my room. and i kept fucking up the song i always play perfectly on the piano. and i got dressed and erika said she wanted to wear the outfit i was wearing so i just changed. and now i'm wearing yellow tights. and lately my throat just feels really like... weird. like thick or tight or something,


like what the fuck is that?

i just don't even know whats appropriate to say anymore. i mean, i don't like that i keep reopening the same box. the box that never changes, that box that always holds the same thing and never ends up feeling good. so, its just like, well, what else can i say about it?

cat noises.

i dont like anyone.
but i love joe and dominica and erika and madison and bella and penny and shane and jeanette and alec and hayley and bri and jake and madison and

stuff

i feel like i shouldnt have to try

so what happened with you guys when we left last night?
'nothing. and it never will! i just dont even care, i cant even make myself care'
oh my God. stop! stop thinking you're never going to be in love with anybody else.
'how do you know what i'm thinking. i never even told you that'
i can tell. i could always tell. just stop
'what if i can't? i've tried! what if i can't? i've tried so many times'
try HARDER!
'i try really really hard'
well, try harder.

are you ever like

"how the hell am i still stupid? after all the time i've spent on this earth and after all the people coming in and out of my life and after all the same experiences happening over and over again.... how do i not know? how the hell am i still stupid?"



i do.

all i want is to be up north with my grandparents right now.

its hard for me to think of jobs as anything else but tickets to europe.

emails from my grandma

Hosök tere Do you remember this in Budapest, my darling Granddaughter? I just happen to come across seeing it.
Karcsi is going to have an exhibition on 4th of November
and he is compyling the material and from time to time
he's sending me pictures of BP to see if I remember what
are the places and where are they. It's kind of a game
between us, just so that you know.
That's all for now.
Love,
Grandma

Hi Christin, just a picture of me, in cca 1950, when my brother, Karcsi, started his photography career and has practiced with my modeling
for it.
If you can, don't let your beauty pass by without any evidence too.
Somehow, somewhere have a professional portret of yourself done.
Or, who knows, someone could discover you for modeling or
whatever. Maybe at the college, but try it, get involved in
photography. I'd love it, if you would do that.
Love,
Grandma

MADISON IS COMING HOME ON SATURDAY FOR FOUR DAYS.
thank GOD.

i am confident that this does not mean i secretly love arthur.

last night i had a dream and felt so confused when i woke up. we were at some sort of .... function. social function. with loads of people. like a village of people. and i knew some of them, most of them. a lot of them were random faces that looked familiar, a lot of them were random faces that didnt look familiar. there was plenty going on. we were all going about our business, making plans, talking, etc. i drove around in a golf cart with erika, which seemed similar to driving around on the atv in that village on the greek island santorini. anyway. then sort of for some reason everyone was on one side of the water in seats like the seats that are in times square just seats in the middle of an area facing a part of the area where not really anything is going on but there must be something slightly interesting or pleasant to be facing. and then arthur was there and i dont know if that happened suddenly or was expected or whatever but he was electric. he had blue electricity like dr manhattan but he wasnt all blue and just some blue sparks and wavelengths and static were floating around his body and shooting out his fingers and he was taller because the blue haze was also shooting out from under his feet. i was going to walk by him, wait i think he also had some sort of posse with him... yeah i think, maybe. they are not important but i think they were there. anyway so i'm walking by him and then it felt like we were in some sort of big store, like a walmart or a target superstore and thats not important for the story either but we were walking around in this big store which then was like a market and was like the market at the lowest level of the mall in berlin across from rathaus neokulln. and i dont think he was electric then. and then allt he sudden we were just outside again in the same setting on one side of the water and i was walking by him to walk to the other side of the water where everyone had the chairs facing arthur's side of the water. then i dont know why but i felt scared. because he was all blue and hazy and charged. so then he grabbed my arm and i felt charged as well. i felt the electricty all around me and in my body. and then i kissed him on the lips. and then i stopped and was going to turn off my electricity and walk away and go back to the others in their seats, i think i felt embaressed, or just... i dont know i felt like it wasnt a big deal and that kissing him was just a random act and that it was odd we were both electrically charged and in front of everyone. it felt like maybe an unintentionally very public good bye kiss. and then he grabbed my shoulder and said 'christin. if you leave now and you dont kiss me again then thats it and you felt that' and i looked at him and wanted to turn back around but i had felt it too and knew we were both powerful and staticy and were shooting out electricty and when we kissed it was the sparks from both of us creating this crazy intense connection that just melted our lips and our faces and the rest of our body's that were touching into one. the crowd was silent. i jumped up i had to jump up because he was still growing and getting taller and looking less like arthur and more like everyone i had ever know so i jumped up and held him with both arms and kissed him and kissed him and we were having the most satisfying kiss i had ever felt and the crowd was making noise and i felt that i had done my job in making my decision known to the crowd and that now i just wanted us to be kissing and i pushed him into the doorway which had appeared and it was darkish inside except we were both glowing blue with sparks shooting off our heads and elbows and arms and feet and he set me on a table and said he would love me and make me feel the best i had ever felt, that i was about to be completely satisfied. and we kissed and then the light from around the doorway started to get brighter and i went back to the seats where my mom said something about "oh didnt you like him before. that went well. and didnt he like someone else... yeah its just a cycle it doesnt even matter' and was saying this like so the excited crowd who was in an uproar over the kiss would be less... excited. and a woman who i had just met the night before at my cousins party (in real life) and hardly knew grabbed my hand and said "your mother doesnt know what shes talking about" and i said thank you and then i thought i could drop everything and we could stare at each other, me and the electric arthur who i had kissed. then i thought but i should keep my plans, this can be normal and amazing. i will still go hang out with erika later. and clean my room. and after i will go across the street to arthur's house, because arthurs house was andy's house. and later when arthur came over to see if i was still going to his house, i said 'yes i'm just cleaning but i will be there soon lets do this right' and i smiled and he smiled and we believed each other and he went home to wait for me and i woke up.

i am going to go try and trick someone into thinking i'm much cooler/more stylish than i actually am. and hopefully, i will get a job out of this.



at my current job, i asked the kids to pick a good scientist name out for me and we would vote on them later.
their suggestions were:
dr. dog
prof. ice cream
dr. i dont know

and

"what about dr poop?!"
"theres no way i'm going to be dr poop."
"hahahaha WHAT ABOUT DR DIGESTION?!"
"seriously?"
"HAHAHAHHA yes"
"you're weird. no"


so my name is dr i dont know. i really hoped that i would get dr dog. maybe next time.

i only ever look like shane, with a wig on.

'i think i want to go to culinary school'
'you couldn't even figure out how to open that cheese and grate it.'
'yeah but i think i want to go to culinary school'



the other day at church hayley smiled and pointed to something on a piece of paper. i looked at her and shrugged and shook my head. she pointed again. i shrugged and nodded again. she looked at me, rolled her eyes, leaned in, and whispered to me "God thinks you're gay"

wait why am i home?

tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dream.

this is from an e-mail my grandpa wrote everyone to update them on his health, he has a brain tumor:

"That is where I stand currently and I will need a lot of luck in order not to croak prematurely."

sometimes i feel like a messenger pigeon. gathering and transporting experiences that will inevitably be pooled into a collection of our respective experiences that we have been separately collecting.


sometimes i feel not like that.

what day is it?
i think its the sixth... or the seventh?
i think its the eighth...
okay but like what day is it?
...oh..... i have no idea.

i am being forced into the funniest situations, things i would never do normally. its excellent. yesterday paraic and i walked to the park and bought weed off a group of africans hiding in the bushes. it was potentially the coolest thing i've ever done. when we were high we were both tripping out about time. 'two years have gone by and we're just here in this setting' 'yeah like, imagine if someone could've just told us- look, this is all thats going to happen. in two years, you're going to be stoned walking through a park in germany- then we could've just been like -dope that sounds good enough'

i saw fernelly play last nigh at this underground bar that sort of felt like a cave. when i got there i didnt know where anyone was so i was standing in a crowd of strangers watching a german puppet show. amy is out of town now but the first night we went out i had so much fun. we drank vodka at home and a beer on the way to A bar. THEY LET DOGS IN THE BARS HERE. let me repeat that DOGS IN THE BARS. its basically my dream come true. plus every bar i've been to has just felt like i was chilling in someones living room. also, you can smoke inside here, which is great because i smoke, but hard to get used to, my eyes are still burning.

this is crazy. i'm really glad i'm here.

amy taught me how to say 'we're having fun' in german. i cant spell it. i'm not even going to try. but i like to instead, switch around and ask people 'are we having fun?'

it cost me $580 to get here. its been just about two years since i had seen paraic. we are still friends. we are still friends and its exactly the same and finding that out while walking through tier garten last night, made me realize i had already gotten more than my money's worth out of this trip. i love him and i was so worried about how our relationship would be and i couldn't have asked for a better experience upon getting here. people had told me he was 'so different, not the same paraic' but to me he seems just, wonderfully famliar. I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL JOE AND SEAN AND KEVIN AND GARRETT AND JULIET ARE HERE. i cannot wait to go to rome with juliet and i cannot wait for the camping and the hitching and the everything.

i went to lunch today with fernelly and amy to this really good vietnamese restaurant that they call 'temptation' because its so good, too hard to resist. i'm going to go there. a lot. after amy and i got coffee and went to a second hand store where i got a comfortable sweater, something i had totally forgotten to bring with me, and some dope high waisted but baggy trousers, which i had been trying to find at home for some time. it was really windy and there was bits of white fuzz or pollen or something floating around in the air from the trees. its crowded but not too bad because its gray outside. its cold but managable with a scarf and jacket on. i feel really good. i'm happy i did this.

time take us forward

intense anxiety attack time. woke up every hour until nine this morning when i decided to just give up and get out of bed. joe came over and helped me(watched me) pack last night. i totally love him. um. i've been trying not to cry all day because i dont want to freak out my parents. i wish i had more time to spend with madison. baron kept rubbing my back yesterday and telling everyone where i was going and i thought about how when i was 13 and decided that if for some reason my dad wasn't around i would ask baron to walk me down the aisle, i thought about how that was such a good choice.
even though now i really dont want a wedding.
um
i'm sick. i feel like shit.
and


i burst a blood vessel in my eye after yelling at sara on the phone and then sobbing for an hour. that happened 6 days ago. my eye is still red. dominica's daughter bella thinks i look like a monster. i miss sara.

i'm missing hayleys graduation. i'm missing kevins graduation. i think they are great. i think everyone in the entire world should be at their graduations. i think its probably hard being the youngest.

i didnt get to go visit my cousin jon in jail. how could i leave him there without showing him my love and support. i think about him all the time. fuck i really wanted to see him before i left, i feel like a failure as a cousin.


its really hard not to cry when you're writing about why you want to cry while listening to songs from the amelie sound track that you used to know how to play but cant remember anymore because you gave the sheet music paraic wrote out for you to sean and he lost it.


i'm going to die old wearing a diaper, i'm not special.


yeah.
i think i should take buster for a walk before i leave but i'm probably not going to.


i dont like that i wont see shane and alec and hayley for three months.
i dont like that at all.


the day before garrett left he was a total spaz. tripping over everything and pacing around and I AM LIKE THAT TODAY.

on the way home from barons bbq yesterday, driving to my house to meet joe, i was blasting hip hop and dancing and excited.

there's things i'm not happy about.
there are things i'm conflicted about.



i love everyone and it gives me heavy boots, socks, pants, jackets, shirts, sweaters, outfits entire heaviness heavy heavy.



i went to mass yesterday at 6:30am with my dad. i went to the swap meet with erika and kelly after that.


l;k;asdfjasg;ljkahg;lkasjfqpeoiryua;d,mvns;aoiur1093ur;a,









































i'm excited. meow.

'have fun'
'i will! okay bye grandpa i love you!'
'yep'



hahahaha. i love my family.

i guess this is whats so great right now. the things that used to hurt me or bug me or make me anxious or throw me into a fit of rage or panic or depression

they just dont anymore.


i guess this is whats so great right now. i can believe the people that i care about. when they tell me how they feel, i believe them. because i can.


and i know that slowly there will be other things/people sliding into the same places in my life and pushing me into new areas of panic and new areas of anxiety.
but right now it feels great to have a clean slate.

last night me parents took my to phlight for dinner. it was really good and we even got dessert. after dinner i met jeanette and shane at coffee bean where the guys were meeting to go on a bike ride. shane wore really small shorts and kept making noises like my grandpa. i went home and danced on hayley while she was talking on the phone and then watched tv with louie and fell asleep on alecs bed. shane came home and slept on alecs bed too, and he kept waking me up in the middle of the night and telling me to scoot over. this morning. alec and bri were sleeping on the couch. hayley has her 8th grade dance tonight.

i dont care at work anymore. its so obvious. i have two days left. two. i have one and a half days left. how am i even supposed to care


at

all.

i fell asleep watching tv on alecs bed last night at 9:30. i woke up at 2:30am and could not fall asleep again until 6am.


i felt weird.
i felt sad and worried.

then i over slept and now i'm at work and karen is visiting from corporate so she is buying us all thai food for lunch.


"hola"
"hi"
"hola"
"hi"
"hola buenos tardes"
"hi, i dont speak spanish"
"bye"

the bra is going to be too big for me.

Hi, Christin,
I'm sending you down a cashmere pullover for your trip, in case of cold
weather, that I'm sure, it will be in the beginning of your trip. It can be
like that , aspecially in Germany. In the pkg, there is a bra, 36B, for
you or Hayley.
Also sending you a $100 check to use, as you wish.
Your voice mail box is FULL!?, in case you wouldn't know it, I couldn't
reach on it.
Please acknowledge this by email or a call.
Have a pleasant trip.
Love,
Grandma Magda

generally, when things seem too good to be true,
they are.



generally. not always.

this is whats going on in my life lately:

31-24-35

trying to order clothing online sucks. i mean, how are you supposed to know how it will fit. i don't have time to return shit. i'm leaving soon. i know my measurements, but....that does not make this easier.

WORK
A LOT.

last night i went to a 16th birthday party at a bowling alley. everyone kept trying to give me bowling tips. at one point i heard one of their grandmas say "i just have to help the poor girl out"



i wonder if people think i'm normal.
i am awkward. at least i think so. i dont think everyone else can tell, but the whole time, in my head, i'm awkward.



i just feel like making cat noises and squinting.

i
just don't even know how to say all that i want to say.
19 days.


if you know me and you know how when i'm really happy i bounce up and down in my seat and open and close my hands and smile until my eyes water,
then you know how i look right now.

i just yelled at someone from expedia on the phone. and when they put me on hold i started laughing uncontrollably.


right now i am $550.00 short, at least, of what i thought i would have. it sucks, but i've learned not to .... let certain people... become involved in my life... financially.

"don't mix money honey" as the korean woman who did my nails said.





i want to say this too. okay,

no i'm not going to say it yet.

'okay, i'm not judging you right now, because i know your hormones are all crazy, but


you are being such a bitch'

'hahahaha, i'm sorry. oh no, i'm really sorry...'

'like seriously, you've been nothing but a bitch all day, just pure picking arguements and disagreeing with everything i say'

'hahahahahahahah'




i think thats what its gonna be like to be old. like, when you're on your period, its basically a free pass to be a bitch and cry and complain. i feel like its the same when you're old. but better. because, you can take your teeth out and poop your pants with little reprecussions.

some thing(s)

this morning i had a soft boiled egg, two slices of salami, an apple, and tea for breakfast.


now i am going to take a shower and go to the courthouse to get my birth certificate.

then i am going to vacuum my carpet.

then i am going to take buster for a walk.


this is a video of me eating cheese and a brownie:

i had a weird day and then a really great night.
i'm tired.
i love andydominicajoeeveryone

i'm completely crazy about moritz! he's excellent.

stupid and dumb, both.

motherfucking shit, now i just want to curl back up into a ball and chill out.

i don't like feeling frantic. i just felt frantic.

a million molecules of disenchantment are sprinkling down on me. i cannot wait to get away, but maybe i need to get away even more than i planned.

to not be afraid of new things.

"Be what you would seem to be - or, if you'd like it put more simply - never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise."


-lewis carrol

sometimes during my lunch break at work, i play solitaire on my ipod. when i get stuck, when there's no cards left showing that i can work with, it gives me two options:

restart game?
abandon game?

if i click restart, it restarts. reshuffles exactly the same order of the cards and deals them exactly the same way, its just up to me to figure out if i can move them around differently to get a better result.

but, if i click abandon game, it asks me again "abandon game?!?"
are you sure?



yes. abandon game. i was losing.

eh

i need to have someone suck the tension out of my entire body.
if i was a guy, that would sound way perverted.


maybe it is still way perverted?


the other night we were playing shuffleboard at my parents house. i went pee and when i walked back into the garage joe, garrett, and my dad were rolling cigarettes. he rolled it using a one dollar bill and it was super fat. my dad said "its been awhile since i rolled one" and joe asked "when's the last time you rolled a cigarette?" and my dad said "well... let me put is this way, i've never rolled a cigarette" and then he, my mom, alec, me, dominica, and basically everyone else in the garage except hayley passed around the cigarettes and tried to blow O's.

the noise at the beginning of crimson and clover

i am sad that we won't have that day. i'm sorry. i am sad that we won't have that day. i'm sorry. i'm sad sorry sad sorry. otherwise, i am A okay.
i think. i try not to think. i'm choking on something right now, my neck and throat are tense.

people don't go to vegas and get married after they break up. people shouldn't even date again after they've already broken up. five years later, i can say that. i can say that really most likely (surely) probably if you broke up once you'll do it again. i dont like that i even care about this. i never wanted anything. this is what i want to be understood. i never wanted anything. then i started to. now i want to not want anything. i just dont even give a fuck. i can sit here at my desk and my mocassins are sweaty because i'm not wearing socks and the entire office can tell i'm hung over and and i cant pull my hood down over my head hard enough but i keep trying and fucking trying to stretch it down and over my face and past my stomache and around my feet and then back up to where i started and then poof i've disappeared and the empty sweatshirt falls to the floor and make sure to clapbecause it was a wonderful trick but who cares where i went.

this is what i want. fuck you if you loved me and didn't treat me like it, and fuck you if you loved me and you were silent. and fuck you if you loved me and you left me. and fuck you if you think you couldn't keep me, just because you weren't doing it right. and fuck everyone else because if you like me it annoys the shit out of me. i dont want to be in this relationship, i dont want to be in any relationship. i want to judge other people's relationship. i want to think you guys are so fucking stupid. i want to wonder why anyone would ever want to be stuck together. i want to feel better than it because i dont want it. i cannot think of one man i've been with who i should still be with. because i shouldn't be with anyone. and i dont want M to fucking recycle reuse recycle again and i want everyone to shut up and stop speculating about how P and i are destined to be together and i don't want J to tell me he's never loved anyone else because i dont Give a fuck. peel off your dead skin.

i dont think i make sense. but i'm still choking and my hood still wont swallow me whole.
this is whats funny. this is me always. but i tucked it away and it didnt need to surface and i would have been stupidly(?) happy and along for the ride and there were a million of those days. but now i cant think of a worse fate. because i HATE fake, and thats what it'd be.

yesterday arthur asked me what i wanted to accomplish through my trip. i think that was the question, or at least thats the question i ended up answering. in bio class i made a list of things i want to 'accomplish' this summer. nothing that requires money or time really, just things i want to do, thinks i absolutely could do as long as i dont hold myself back. then i sketched a picture of the foreign boy. i realized the girl behind me could see that i was drawing him. she probably thinks i'm in love. i'm in love with a lot of things right now, scents, tastes, textures, sounds.

i love my paper cut right now. it keeps re-opening, maybe it won't ever heal.

last night i went to an angels game, it was cool. i had never been to that stadium before. i had almost been there before. i was glad i had never been there before.

today arthur asked me to give him a ride somewhere, so i did. he jumped out of the car on the freeway and ran away.

that e-mail made me want to crawl into a dark hole where i would have to contort my body into the smallest ball it could make in order to fit . i would feel the ceiling and walls pushing down on me and all around me and there would somehow be a cool breeze filtering in even after the entire hole is closed up and i can only sit there and wait. i want to feel pressure and darkness and be cold and alone.


it made me not want to feel anything ever again because i dont think i know how and i dont think i know what or who or when or why about anything.

my mom wanted to draw on my arm. i said "draw something that i could get as a tattoo"

i looked down and she had written "i love christin" and i said

"you think i should get that as a tattoo? that i love myself?"
and she said

"oh, i thought you said that i should draw a tattoo i would get"

and then i said

"you would get a tattoo that says 'i love christin?'"
and she shrugged.

godly gorgeous

today the doctor who doesn't like me because i wouldn't go out with him is here. its so funny whenever we work together because we are so short with each other and communicate as little as possible. he wears really squeaky shoes so i can hear him coming from a mile away whenever he walks up to my part of the office. he got a haircut. i remember pauline said "you'd be a fool not to go out with him. but you'd be an even bigger fool to sleep with him, he could get anyone." i decided to be fool number 1.
the first patient this morning did not speak a single word of english. we both kept trying to talk and then would end up just staring into each others' eyes in desperation with our hands up and shoulders shrugged.

i'm listening to the pieces sean wrote and posted online. they're beautiful. i think if derick heard it he would cry. i love that he cries about music. they're really soft and almost romantic sounding. he keeps wanting me to write with him, but i don't know what it is about me that just ... i don't know i just cant get into it. i have so many tiny pieces that i write and really like and i don't have the motivation to finish them, to find the beginning and end. i'm going to try harder.


i'm going to try harder at everything, actually.


this morning i woke up when my alarm went off, i turned around and said, 'i had the weirdest dream, you were in it'
i was alone. i don't remember who i thought i was talking to.

SHUT UP.

i'm looking up flights and apartments and so many things but for some reason i cant stop thinking about how gross i think big boobs are.

bleh.

"please do not be cynical. I hate cynicism. For the record, it's my least favorite quality. It doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen. I'm telling you. Amazing things will happen."

that might be my most favorite thing anyone has ever said. i've thought about this every day since i watched conan's last show. i love that he used the word "kind." arthur rode me around on the handlebars of a bike and i felt like,


great.

this morning i had to go pick up sandwiches and juice at ralphs for the patients. when i got there i parked and finished my coffee in the car. it was gray outside. a song i'd never heard was on the radio. haidee's ex-boyfriend, the father of her child, came back from new mexico and even if it doesn't last and even if he's still a dick i'm so happy that she gets to spend this time with him and their child and be a family for however long it lasts.

also, last night i saw austin and it was really cool! and i slept on jeff kings couch with juliet. and arthur slept with the webcam on him with nada watching. and i look like shane.

and then i don't feel so bad

'what if i cry'
'WHY'
'because... if i am in a room with you and sean and kevin and paraic again, everyone in the same room.... i just dont know how i will be able to control how disgustingly happy i will be'
'thats so dope'
'i'll probably be able to control it'
'either way'

yesterday i went to a church fish fry with my family.
i overheard my dad bragging to people about my trip this summer.

I LOVE ILOVE I
LO
VE
LOVE i simply remember my favorite things
LOVE


one million seconds that i never thought i would have. one million words that i thought i would never get to say.

i want to do whatever my parents want me to do because i love them and i want them to have the life they thought they were going to have, the daughter they thought they were going to have and i don't want them to be scared and i don't want them to be threatened and i don't want them to worry.

but,
i don't know how to do it anymore without compromising the life that i want to have.

my mom just knows how to vocalize every small doubt i feel in the back of my brain and state it like its fact and not a paranoid speculation. they think if my job doesn't let me come back i'm 'really just throwing away perfectly good life and when you come home its gonna be in shambles and you might never get it back together' basically.
basically, i don't want to be a secretary anymore. basically, i've wanted to quit and go to school full time and just be poor as fuck for the past year. basically, if my job can't be flexible with my desire to explore and travel, then its not the job for me. BASICALLY LET ME DECIDE.

i'm the oldest child. i'm the girl. my dad treats me like more of a baby than anyone else in my family, even my 13 year old sister. i love him very much, but what am i supposed to do? stay at home? work full time? buy a good car? is that too much to ask? could i just decide to make one person happy and it will be him? i don't want to dissapoint him. i don't know how to talk to him about how i feel. he treats me like a little girl still. they don't mind if i drink like an adult or smoke like an adult or move out like an adult, i can go out and take shots and sing karaoke and stop at del taco on the way home with them, but when i try to explain to them, like an adult, how i feel, i'm 10. i'm 9, i'm 7 and i have warts on my hands i'm 5 and i can't tie my shoe.


"my parents are so negative and just making me feel so irresponsible and stupid for going on the trip and its just making me feel like such shit"
"well, come over and we'll pump you up"
"i'm coming over"
"that's what he said"
"there was such a good thats what she said today at work i will tell you when i see you"
"ok yeah mine sucked i just wanted to cheer you up"


i'm 24. i'm 24 and i wanted to say that i'm young but that actually doesnt sound that young to me right now and its the reason i just want to do what the fuck i feel like i need to do because next year i'm going to be 25 and then 26 and then 27 and then 28 and then 29 and then 30. you know, its just going to keep going. i'm sorry and i want to be good and i want to please my family and i want them to be proud of me and i want them to support me and i want them to be excited for me and i want them to trust me. i feel like i could've said anything else 'i'm pregnant' ' i'm dropping out of school to work full time' 'i got married for money' anything, any other horrible fucking thing and it would be better than 'i'm going to europe for a few months'







well, i am.


i'm nervous too. i'm nervous about my entire life.
and shane's going to mexico for a week and i'm going to be sad.

pros/cons of going

pros
-won't feel bad
-haven't seen her in awhile
-might be fun!
-strangers
-arthur might do something weird
-we won't be a liar
-will make us look better?
-will make her feel better?
-we might seem fun if we get buzzed
-people will see my(christin)'s cool jacket
-brandon will probably be funny


cons
-can't play skate
-can't smoke weed
-will be even more tired
-mike might do something annoying
-potential drunk driving
-christin has a sore throat
-christin is wearing socks with sandals
-we don't have gifts
-we might seem boring, because we're tired
-we would have to move
-there's no music to listen to in the car
-strangers
-arthur might do something weird
-we wouldn't spend money
-potential freeway death
-christin will miss sean too much
-we willl be tired tommorrow
-we will be liars
-christin wants a smoothie
-joe is asleep
-this list was unecessary

at a bar with joe i was trying to remember who wiped my glass clean for me. it was madison. we were having dinner at phlight, shane was serving us. i was talking, talking, talking, in between i sipped my water glass. still listening and nodding madison leaned over, grabbed my glass, brought it to his side of the table, wiped my lipstick marks off the glass with his napkin, then put it back in front of me.


i don't know why i kept thinking about that. i still don't. i just don't want to forget again.

i was not going to practice baseball yesterday. i was TOO tired. then 30 minutes before sean calls and says "WHERE ARE YOU" so i decided i had to go. and i'm so happy that i did! i've discovered my preference is that joe teach me every game possible, because i do really well paired with him. so many times i've wanted to start writing in here but i don't want to start off an entry with 'Joe and I' but sometimes i do just want to scream it loud. "JOE AND I" i just love him. plus it is so funny listening to joe and kevin and then joe and sean and then kevin and sean argue. they argue about EVERYTHING.


'such a dope thing we all have'
'i know huh'


i really really really like my co-worker. her name is haidee.

i keep getting nervous, and then getting really happy that i already bought my ticket so that my being nervous does not matter.

i was talking to hayley about how sometimes i feel awkward texting people. then she says "yeah, and don't you hate it when, like, you're texting a boy, and you're like 'what's up?' and he's like 'oh i just got back from the gym' like, okaaay show off i get it you work out"




she's 13. do 13 year old boys go to the gym?
should i be worried.







if you tell me there's green in my eyes i guess i believe you.

"i bought my ticket today"
"so dope im utterly proud of you lets celebrate"
"Okay lets celebrate. Maybe we can get drunk and make out with people right next to each other on a small couch..."
"Thats so yesterday"

so such

i'm really hung over, but i'm pretty sure i just bought my ticket to berlin.

this is such a good way to start off my day. last night was FUN. at some point joe and i started talking about how much we love each other, which was only funny because other people were in the room and we were drunk. I LOVE JOE, he is without a doubt one of my most favorite people. he is such a good older brother and he's so even tempered and i love feeling like he is family. GOD I CANT EVEN CONCENTRATE I AM JUST STOKED.



(i am still drunk)

oh, life...

there you go again.

i don't remember who i was talking to yesterday, someone with an older sister that they don't really see a lot....
garret. he was saying he has an older sister and how she just is barely in his life and i told him 'but i bet she loves you more than anything else ever' and he said 'no i don't think so' and i said 'nobody loves you like your sister can love you' sometimes if i let myself think about it, i love my brothers so much it makes me want to just rip off my own limbs and rip trees out of the ground and gather every happy moment in the entire world and offer it all to them. how could i ever do enough in my whole entire life to show how much i love them.

yesterday we went to the beach and i was SO happy. i like seans car. i like the sun and i like the sand and i like damp towels and i like being barefoot. i like how hard they are trying to convince me to just get a one way ticket. i LOVE. iLOVE.

'i feel like... i feel like something. just something, you know? i feel like something'
'a hundred bucks?'
'i feel like one hundred bucks'
'well you look like a million'
'well then. excellent'

2:08pmChristin
where are you
2:09pmShane
school
2:09pmChristin
buster is standing up next to me
2:11pmShane
hmm
2:12pmShane
what elses is goign on/
?
2:13pmChristin
nothing, i want to drink
2:44pmChristin
jon sera is having a party tonight
2:46pmShane
i work until ten
2:47pmChristin
so you dont want to go?
2:49pmShane
yes i don
do
2:49pmChristin
okay
2:49pmShane
but i need to get out of wokr before i do
2:49pmChristin
obviously
2:55pmChristin
wheres baby panda
2:55pmShane
class
2:55pmChristin
i'm really into coldplay right now
2:55pmShane
im sorry

my phone died last night, i set an alarm on my ipod.
my alarm went off.
i took a shower, got dressed, got in my car.

and THEN i realized it went off two hours early.

my grandparents sent me this e-card for st patricks day:
http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=2231366755741&source=jl999

let me tell you about earthquakes. they wake you up.
i feel... man i dont know. the sun is bright and my coffee is black and things seem.. hard, they seem harsh, but in a good way. things are what they are today. i woke up in the middle of the night because the earth moved, my brother and i did our 'are you okay?' yelling from our beds and then i turned off my light and went back to sleep and today the sun is bright. i can feel summer. i can feel sweat and heat and sand and hot cement. its going to be sticky and exciting.

i love madison. i love joe. i love dominica. i love claire. i love haidee. i love shane. i love people i dont know. i
am
excited.

today is like christmas, madison is coming home! i'm picking him up at 5.
thank GOD.

don't speak, i can feel you

'why did you do that?! you know better'
'i don't want to even talk about it. you're making me anxious. my hands are all clammy. i know. you're right, i know. but what i know doesn't always affect my actions.'
'i just hope you're okay'
'he looks at me like he wants to give me every single thing in the entire world . . . but he's not going to'
'i'm sorry'
'my shits all fucked up'
'i know'
'okay.'



when i got to joe's they were still at the store picking up beer. i put my seat back all the way, turned the radio up, and water poured out of the corners of my eyes. i did not feel like i was crying. it just happened. then the car pulled up and i returned my seat to its normal position, turned the radio off, wiped my cheeks, and went inside.

i smoked a lot. garett and i smoked A LOT. i like when he's around because he will just never stop smoking if i don't stop. joe was setting up the playstation FOREVER, hooking it up to the t.v, then comptuer, then t.v. kevin was there too. i said something creepy about him but i cant remember what is was now. we watched 'waltz with bashir.' sean came home. i was standing on a skateboard and he said "that is exactly what you looked like when you were little. i know it." i felt little.

arthur came over while i was getting ready to leave. i never know when arthur is serious. or when he really wants my answer or an answer to analyze. arthur asked me 'do you think if paraic never left you would still be dating him?' kevin was there. so was everyone else, but kevin is the one who still tries to talk to me about him. i wanted to answer honestly. i wanted to say 'i think a lot of things would have to be different, not just us living in the same city, a lot of things would have already had to have happened differently, its really hard to say. i don't think so. but there was definitely a time that i would have liked to be with paraic. it probably just wasn't supposed to happen or something'

but since arthur asked me, i just said 'no' and walked away.

don't you just love it when your boss is the first person to notice you have a hickey? especiallly when its before you noticed. and don't you love it when it's in a room filled with middle aged men whom you work with everyday? and don't you love it when one of them says "i thought you and your boyfriend broke up?"


i will never feel grown up.

today i went to school and in violin i began to fantasize about having a relationship with my teacher. he's in his mid 50's. a whirlwind romance filled with puerto rican accents, string instruments, grey hair and glasses. then i went to biology. at break i found the spot where everyone goes to smoke. an indian/middle eastern boy in my class who always wears a turban and asks questions in an unfamiliar accent pulled out a soft pack of camels and i sat through the rest of class trying to figure out how to become friends with him.

after school jon and i went to the cabrillo aquarium because i needed to go for school. we got really high and got to see sharks, jellyfish, etc. i just finished my math homework.

i'm going to sleep. i'm going to dream about an island where we are old and tan. we'll smoke a joint before swimming in the ocean and quench our thirst with rum on the shore and the sand won't get in our eyes and the salt water won't sting our cuts.

last night i accidently got to sean's 30 minutes early, and i was just going to call madison and have a cigarette in my car, but then i hear "christin. is that you? come here! child where have you been?" pauline and mark were loading jeff's suburban up for a trip to the mountains the next day so she was outside and saw me. her voice sounded like home i felt so warm all of the sudden. i talked to kevin for a little bit. he's in really good shape. i was trying to figure out how to say that without sounding creepy. so i just never did. instead i giggled a lot. he keeps looking older and older everytime i see him. i know thats what happens, but it throws me for a loop every time. i hadn't seen sean in forever so when he got there i was surprised again, his hair is so long. sean made pauline and i drinks, and i got drunk basically immediately because it was strong or because i barely ever drink. we watched the office. pam and jim had their baby. jake and joe got there. we were in joe's room and the bearskin rug was on the floor. i started thinking about when it was in front of the fireplace in the living room. i couldn't stop laughing and i tried explaining what i thoguht was so funny a few times before giving up.

pauline bought a house by palm SPRINGS. ! she is setting it up and said as soon as its ready we are going over there. we each drove our own car to jeff's house. there was really good music on the radio. i hadn't been to jeff's in like a year. we went to paraic's old room where the keyboard was set up and the bed was gone. apparently jeff chopped it up into pieces?hahahaha i dont know but thats what they told me. i cant see what the purpose of that would've been. we played a form of pictionary. i slept on the couch and drove straight to work. i love them.


i can't believe i just stopped hanging out with sean before because of what mike said about it. i cant believe a lot of things.

yesterday i drove to school and then drove home. i did not attend class in between. i sat at my parents house and ate a tuna sandwich for lunch and gave buster the crust. i told him 'only cats eat tuna' but he was not convinced. jon came over and we smoked in the backyard and took buster for a walk. at first it seemed like it was going to rain but then it was really pretty. we took the trail i haven't gone on since elementary school. its still there. i always thought it wasn't there anymore. but its still there. and its great. its beautiful. buster was really excited because it was somewhere he had never been before. when we got back to my parents house my dad was there. then my mom. we still had two hours to wait for shane. so we tried to watch this movie, but it was stupid. we tried to watch ren and stimpy, but the tape was messed up. so we watched t.v.
then shane and jeanette finally came home from school and we went with them to eat golden triangle. then we went to the apartment. then shane went to work and jeanette went back to school. jon and i were at my parents house again. andy came over and put on ridiculous you tube videos. then i fell asleep.

yesterday joe and i got stoned and watched the fantastic mr. fox at the dollar theatre. i really like that movie. on the way home i decided to spend the night at my parents house. i slept on the couch and my neck hurts and i feel drained.

i had a dream that mike and i were in the shower at my old apartment. there was a huge shower head and we eventually just sat down and he was making fun of me for something and we were both laughing really hard. then we got up and he picked out this funny outfit for me to wear and we went to his parents house because his dad was making pancakes. he went in his room and i was eating with his mom in the living room. he wouldnt' come out of his room. i started to feel awkward. his dad was asking him to come out and his mom was looking at me in the exact look she would always do when he was obviously being a dick. i went in the bathroom and it was much bigger than usual. i started crying. i felt like i had said or done something wrong, i couldn't figure out what it was. his mom knocked on the door and i told her i was just going to take a shower. erika came home and i knew she was in the living room. mike came into the bathroom and said "look ruthie is pregnant so you just need to stop crying and leave and stop crying and stop bugging me" so i started walking home and i kept getting smaller and smaller and when i got to my parents house nobody recognized me.

i tried to post something earlier but it didnt work.
i rolled a joint and smoked before school because i accidentally got there too early.
i made friends.

the person who was logged onto facebook right before me in the computer lab, their e-mail was "doktorkool"


i got to school 45 minutes early on accident so a rolled a spliff and ate the best breakfast. i have friends in my violin class now. two married men and a boy who takes ballet. the girls do not seem to want to be friends with me.


whatever.

because we stopped using each other

but, i'm still really sad today.
i constantly feel anxious, and jittery, and clammy, and confused, and sad.

but after work i can go home and smoke weed. and then i'll feel fantastic.
and i know thats a bad thing to get used to, but its my temporary fix. i need to feel something different. he is using girls. i am using weed.


i want to rip everyone's eyeballs out.

4locos

yesterday i met my parents, alec, and hayley for dinner at the st. bruno's fish fry. when i got there alec told me him and bri broke up. my dad thinks its hilarious that we both got broken up with. he kept saying things like "did you hear jeanette broke up with shane?" and "maybe i'll divorce your mom" and "you guys should become a nun and a priest."

earlier in the day i had called juliet for advice on whether or not i should go out that night. she said 'yes. i think you should. and i'm coming with you' so i did. and i had such a great time and i'm so happy i decided to just... have fun. and shane & andy only wanted to hit mike once. and i got to drink and smoke and dance and tell stories. and not feel like shit. at home joe and i put on graceland and i was dancing in my room and we were singing as much of it as we could.i forgot that joe makes me feel like a hundred bucks. when i left for work this morning joe was sleeping on my floor with a tiny blanket, andy and dominica were in sara's bed and shane was in his. as i walked out of my room joe sat up, said something, and then went back to sleep. i have no idea what he said.
last night shane told me "you don't need to be nice to anyone you don't want to be nice to, its okay that you're upset" GOD I LOVE MY BROTHER

also, dominica still has breast milk.
also, my stomache. hurts. bad.

in late september my mom called me and said
"i had the weirdest dream last night. we were all going to see you for some reason but then you weren't there and instead someone handed me a baby that was you. or a baby that had your exact face. but then i realized it had a penis, so i knew it couldn't be you. and then i went to show your dad but the baby disappeared."

this made me realize how connected we are, as mother and daughter, because i never told her about any of it. sometimes i almost tell her.

i remember a few songs that paraic played for me, radiohead and interpol specifically, where he said "this song always reminds me of you" and i thought "cool this is a good song i like it too"

but last night, i was listening to one of them, and realized how completely and totally fucking sad it is.

i am still learning.

today i am sad.

am i that much of a drag?



my brother said he would kick someones ass for me the other day.
maybe i will utilize this.

yesterday school was great, except that i forgot my violin at home, and we finally started using it in class. i realized there's a guy in my bio class who i also had in my math class 3 semesters ago and i met him once at a party in whittier. i need to meet more people in that class so we can do a study group or something. the girl i used to talk to seems like she decided i wasn't cool enough, i.e., i was not into lord of the rings enough. which is totally bullshit. because i am.

mike's mom and sister both wrote me the nicest e-mails/texts. i cried. i'm a weepy mess.i hate breaking up with a FAMILY.

after bio i worked on my online math class in the library for three hours and watched, for the second time in a row, security forcibly remove a crazy from the computer lab. is fullerton weird? i never knew. then i met ryan and we got happy hour at chomps. its really good. then i got stoned and went with shane and jeanette to watch the laker game at these guys' house a few blocks from ours. they lost. then me and jeanette fell asleep in my bed watching wuthering heights. i'm looking forward to a more eventful evening tonight.work is fine. i took a walk at lunch and have rediscovered my crossword puzzle book. and i'm really starting to like my hair.do you know that that means for a girl? its such a good feeling.

at work yesterday Haidee and I were both in pissy moods,so it was sort of fun. we smoked together for the first time after work and couldn't stop...laughing. on the way home i decided, i would really like me. like if i met myself, and hung out for day, i would think really just think i was fucking great. so, while myself and i were driving home, we had this internal discussion

"i forgive you"
"...for what?"
"everything"
"really? everything?"
"yeah, really."
"thanks- but hey, do you think i fucked up our life? do you feel trapped in my body while i keep making mistake after mistake?"
"no, no i don't, i think... i think, well i don't know, but i wouldn't have done it any better."
"thank you"

and then i kept driving, really enjoying myself. and when i realized erika was driving behind me on firestone i smiled slightly in the rearview mirror before lighting another cigarette and thought about how funny she is and how sweet kelly is and let the sadness breathe out of me. i need it to pour out.

right now a stranger grabbed my hand in both of her hands, and told me to have a good day. her hands were really warm. it reminded me of the night i was in joe's room feeling down after a long night out, and austin who i didn't know until that day, reached over and grabbed my hand. holding it really hard.

how much does my face show when i'm pained?


oh claire, i love you so much. and last night jeanette came over with magazines and root beer floats and we got high and cuddled in shane's bed watching american psycho until shane came home. he let me sleep in his bed and he slept in mine, which was excellent because i hate my room right now.

and we are friends again.

saturday work was a blur. i was being too bitchy and my boss was being too nice to me. madison called and rapped me a song about breaking up. i love him. i mean, how can i not just love him. after work i drove to the hills by my house and took a walk. it was beautiful, and freezing, and quite. shane and jeanette wanted to take me to eat. they don't really leave me alone right now, which is excellent. everywhere they suggested i would say "fuck that. i'm never eating there again" and then shane would say "for the obvious reason?" and i would say "yeah. fuck that." and he would laugh. then we started doing it for me and more things until it was just funny.
so we went to azabu, where james and jon met us. it was the first time i had eaten all day, but i finished less than half of what i ordered. at home me jon jeanette and jose got really stoned. then juliet came over, and i got more stoned. we were lying on the floor in my room forever not moving. but i felt fine.
sunday morning we had to go to newport to do the shoot with jonathan. which was sorta fucked because i feel so down right now. but it was a lot of fun and we all made money. after i dropped off sara and jeanette i went to the good will and found a BUNCH of shit. i even found the doc martins i had been wanting. i came home and smoked with shane and then left to go to bella's 4th birthday party. i hadn't been high by myself in a really long time. i decided to run a few errands by myself. i became friends with myself. we laughed at everything.
i got to the party feeling like a million bucks. then i slowly deteriorated. i watched the hangover with andy and dominica. which i thought was stupid. because it is. its so stupid. shane and i got ready then jeanette picked us up and we picked up jon.
when we got to the continental everyone got out of the car and i practically screamed "YOU SAID WE COULD SMOKE FIRST" so then everyone looked at me for a second, and got back into the car. colby's band was excellent. i immediately downed two drinks. monique and jeanette were making me laugh. colby and shane and jon were excellent. and on the way home i thought about,

how what the fuck was i ever thinking. it is what it is and he is who he is and hes the boy that doesn't know what he wants, and if he all the sudden is saying he cant get over shit, i don't buy it, because i got over a bunch. and for every reason i ever thought i didnt try or its my fault, i'm now sure that its not. i want more out of life. i dont want to settle for the norm and whats to be expected. not all men are pigs and not all men are pushy and not all men are lazy and not all men are hypocritical and not all men need so much and give so little.

i will try not to be bitter. i will try to stay positive. i will not let this ruin the next chance i have with someone. i will not go backwards. i will learn from this and move on and i will not think romantically about "love that just couldn't find a way to work" because i still believe that love will always work. if its true. its stronger than pride and its stronger than jealousy and its good. i believe that.

so i'm choking everything down now. i'm dealing with it now. but one day i won't be dealing with it anymore.

i'm having a terrible day. be nice?

"I miss you a lot, and you are always one of the first people i want to see when I'm home. Always"


that is why i love you with the tiniest parts of my heart.

feel it all

it's gray outside, then started to rain. which i feel is overkill. i cannot choke down my oatmeal. every bite feels too big. its getting colder and more digusting. when i have a lot on my mind, its not so much going to sleep thats the problem, its staying asleep. i wake up.
suddenly.
and then i lie and think. and feel. until it gets closer and closer to when i'm supposed to wake up. so i take a shower at 5:30 instead of 6:30. i get to work 45 minutes early and,
sit.

i am upset. i want to be more angry or sad. but i'm just this middle floating upsetness that just.... feels .. worse.



mmmm, so many things. so many things that i cannot do anything about. when i was in kindergarten there was a boy in my class whose mom had just died. i missed my flight to paris one time because i was too sick. my friend got his face blown off with a rifle. old people come into my office with no one to take care of them. my parents struggle everyday with money. there are babies everywhere. people don't get what they expect. people don't get what they want. people don't get what they deserve. people are sad. i'm sad. and worse, i'm bitter.

i am hallucinating classical music right now. i might not be hallucinating it but i cannot fucking figure out where the fuck its coming from and its making me feel


insane.


today will be manageable, so will tommorrow. but sunday.

fuck i am not looking forward to sunday.

2x1/1x6/2x8

when i drive to work in the morning the sun is rising and i love it.
today i didnt go to work, because i have school.
today i didn't go to school.
michael is in the shower screaming "i'm going to DISNEYLAND TODAY!!!" ..."oh,um, and YOU ARE TOO!"


and right now as i am typing this an overwhelming smell of catshit is engulfing me. its disgusting.