elves.

it would be cool to always know how to deal with everything. like and love and death and missing people and anxiety and work and halfway broken cars and ex friends and dogs that always want walks even when its raining outside and getting through the stack of books and getting through the stack of movies and learning the new songs and students that complain about their parents and their mean brothers and what to eat everyday three times a day and how to incorporate new shoes into a wardrobe and what your new glasses should look like and what time to go to sleep and what time to wake up and how much coffee to drink and the future and eternity.

i have really great friends. i don't have that many, but the ones i have, i just love them.

ouch

[Fernelly Sarria]
are epic phones worth it?
[You]
fuck no
[Fernelly Sarria]
haha
im asking someone that doesnt have a phone

the other night i was driving and when i turned the wheel it felt the same as the mercedes wheel under my hand. and i thought i wish i had that car still i really liked it. and i thought about how i kept putting off being sad about my grandpa dying and how what was i putting off anyway? if i really just let myself think about it will it make me feel something different than i'm feeling and so i thought okay why do you still wish you had the mercedes and i though because grandpa gave it to me and then i could smell exactly what the mercedes smelled like and what the other cars my grandpa had smelled like and i started crying like a fucking five year old driving down painter in my dodge shadow hallucinating the smell of an 85 mercedes and i couldnt fucking stop and when i would come to a light or a stop sign i would try to keep my face as stony as possible but then the second i could accelerate away from potentially wandering eyes it would start again and then i got distracted or maybe started thinking about something else and then i thought maybe thats it. there's not really any point in thinking about these things we dont have control over. but then i started choking and crying again picturing him with his fucking briefcase with all his medical information and cancer research in it and his fucking collared shirt tucked into his jeans with a belt on walking around the stupid fucking cancer center at stanford and how how he tried really fucking hard really really fucking hard and how thats FUCKED UP that we have the smallest amount of control in our lives and how his face looked when i surprised them in palm springs when i came home from europe early and how his hands and his earlobes felt and how his cheek against my cheek felt and how he would 'okay bye dear' and how we found out in june and how was woken up on the top bunk in berlin next to sean by my moms call telling me 'grandpa has cancer' i sat up in an effort to sound more awake but still came out only with the sleepy childish reply of 'my grandpa?' and i though i mean i seriously thought 'well, its just cancer. people always get better from that' how fucking stupid i was how the fuck could i have ever even thought that this thing which would tear him apart and take away this man, this relationship, this life from me and from anyone how could i think that. and that was only JUNE and then it was FEBRUARY and then it was over and that makes me so fucking mad and the whole week of him dying and the funeral and everything i just kept focusing all of my energy on my grandma and her feelings and taking care of her and being strong for her and i remember being outside the church at the funeral and seeing shane crying so hard and i thought well i will do that later but i didnt think it would be months later and i didnt think it would be while i was driving.

and i'm sure it will happen again.

and last night i was having a shitty night followed by a shitty dream which was thankfully interrupted by a dream where i was upstairs at my uncle's house in budapest and my grandpa was there and he was wearing a hospital gown, which he actually never wore before he died, and i got to go over and give him a hug and hold my cheek against his and tell him i love him and he told me he knows and made this noise that only he ever used to make and this face that only he would make like as if in the dream i really needed those things to make sure that it was definitely him and then i walked downstairs and just waited to wake up.