it was friday night. i walked in to jakes house knowing that there was nothing, no school until monday, no work the next day, no early morning responsibilities, none of that looming over our head. we could do exactly what we wanted.

i sat at one desk to do some math homework. jake sat at the desk next to me (he has two desks. this is convenient) to draw. 3 hours passed. quickly. we got peach iced and takis and watched the first batman movie and fell asleep.


it was so much fun.

then,saturday afternoon. my mom was home after visiting my aunt and grandmother up north for a few days. she brought shirts. shirts that my grandpa wore. jackets that he wore. my favorite thermal button up of his. a shirt which had a name tag on it, he went somewhere. he was somewhere. they smell like him. little things too. other things. the smell was nicest.

i wish i had started doing the things i am doing now, when he was still alive. i dont know if he was proud of me. either way, i think he would be more proud of me now. but that is okay.

on sunday, when i did have work. i got up at 515am. it was still dark. they played that one foofighters song everyone knows on the radio and two songs off no doubt's tragic kingdom.

i liked that.

i miss my grandpa a lot right now because of learning how to use cameras and planning trips and signing up for next semester and stretching in the morning when i wake up and going to palm springs and he's not going to ask me exactly what streets i drove to meet them at their time share and he's not going to show up while we are all in the pool wearing short short shorts and its so silly to even think about it. its almost for selfish reasons, is the worst part. nobody is going to care about these things like he would care about them. and its odd to realize how much you would do for one person, how much of your actions and decisions are done for ... not approval, but enjoyment. to try to impress this most accomplished man by the smallest events in my life. and pictures. there's so many lost pictures.

i have an interview for a job tomorrow so that should be fun.

i couldnt sleep so i started looking through pictures of my family and friends and finding ones where they looked happy, which would make me happy, which would allow my mind to rest and my body to follow.


i cant sleep. because i dont know if everyone is happy and it makes me cold and sad.

i cant sleep because im thinking about strangers i've walked by who didn't look happy.

i can't sleep because it is infuriating that life is not fair.

and that humans create so many things to feel that they are somehow leveling the playing field, giving them some type of control and some type of chance, but everyone is walking to the same wall to be executed the same way that everyone else has and will be.

which is why i need them to be happy.

this is getting worse. and now i can't sleep because i'm typing.

my grandma forwards me all these emails but they show up as coming from my grandpa because they shared an e-mail account and when he died she made her own but never uses it and just uses his. and i dont know if she expects me to respond to all these emails. to all the forwarded articles and videos and pictures. and isnt it weird when you dont live with your siblings anymore. and isn't it great when you feel great. annnnnnnnd

i mean i do like both these songs anyway

ah this song! i have never heard it and i was looking up videos of my favorite contestant on the voice, dia frampton. that sounds stupid but i don't care, i like that show. ANYWAY. then i found her cover of this song and its FUCKING GOOD.



there was a time in my life where it would have really benefitted me to be listening to that song as opposed to this one,



ha!

i am not good at this and i freak myself out and i want to just get out and i want to break things and i want to

\
and breathe and float and take warm baths and drink tea and feel the sun and yeah i want to ride the metro and eat weird food and wear the same shirt everyday. and yeah fuck i even want to be reading nada's copy of lord of the rings while i'm riding a train through the alps and i want to be wearing costumes and walking around berlin and drinking warm beer

so maybe i am anxious because i need a trip? but maybe i need a trip because i'm anxious?

i never understand myself.

elves.

it would be cool to always know how to deal with everything. like and love and death and missing people and anxiety and work and halfway broken cars and ex friends and dogs that always want walks even when its raining outside and getting through the stack of books and getting through the stack of movies and learning the new songs and students that complain about their parents and their mean brothers and what to eat everyday three times a day and how to incorporate new shoes into a wardrobe and what your new glasses should look like and what time to go to sleep and what time to wake up and how much coffee to drink and the future and eternity.

i have really great friends. i don't have that many, but the ones i have, i just love them.

ouch

[Fernelly Sarria]
are epic phones worth it?
[You]
fuck no
[Fernelly Sarria]
haha
im asking someone that doesnt have a phone

the other night i was driving and when i turned the wheel it felt the same as the mercedes wheel under my hand. and i thought i wish i had that car still i really liked it. and i thought about how i kept putting off being sad about my grandpa dying and how what was i putting off anyway? if i really just let myself think about it will it make me feel something different than i'm feeling and so i thought okay why do you still wish you had the mercedes and i though because grandpa gave it to me and then i could smell exactly what the mercedes smelled like and what the other cars my grandpa had smelled like and i started crying like a fucking five year old driving down painter in my dodge shadow hallucinating the smell of an 85 mercedes and i couldnt fucking stop and when i would come to a light or a stop sign i would try to keep my face as stony as possible but then the second i could accelerate away from potentially wandering eyes it would start again and then i got distracted or maybe started thinking about something else and then i thought maybe thats it. there's not really any point in thinking about these things we dont have control over. but then i started choking and crying again picturing him with his fucking briefcase with all his medical information and cancer research in it and his fucking collared shirt tucked into his jeans with a belt on walking around the stupid fucking cancer center at stanford and how how he tried really fucking hard really really fucking hard and how thats FUCKED UP that we have the smallest amount of control in our lives and how his face looked when i surprised them in palm springs when i came home from europe early and how his hands and his earlobes felt and how his cheek against my cheek felt and how he would 'okay bye dear' and how we found out in june and how was woken up on the top bunk in berlin next to sean by my moms call telling me 'grandpa has cancer' i sat up in an effort to sound more awake but still came out only with the sleepy childish reply of 'my grandpa?' and i though i mean i seriously thought 'well, its just cancer. people always get better from that' how fucking stupid i was how the fuck could i have ever even thought that this thing which would tear him apart and take away this man, this relationship, this life from me and from anyone how could i think that. and that was only JUNE and then it was FEBRUARY and then it was over and that makes me so fucking mad and the whole week of him dying and the funeral and everything i just kept focusing all of my energy on my grandma and her feelings and taking care of her and being strong for her and i remember being outside the church at the funeral and seeing shane crying so hard and i thought well i will do that later but i didnt think it would be months later and i didnt think it would be while i was driving.

and i'm sure it will happen again.

and last night i was having a shitty night followed by a shitty dream which was thankfully interrupted by a dream where i was upstairs at my uncle's house in budapest and my grandpa was there and he was wearing a hospital gown, which he actually never wore before he died, and i got to go over and give him a hug and hold my cheek against his and tell him i love him and he told me he knows and made this noise that only he ever used to make and this face that only he would make like as if in the dream i really needed those things to make sure that it was definitely him and then i walked downstairs and just waited to wake up.

stuff is so good that when i'm alone i dream up ways to destroy it. like i eat fries and plan the downfall.

because what if i did say everything i was thinking, nobody deserves to hear that.

i accidently dyed my hair orange.

HUGE CAT NOISE.
i love the breakfast thing from starbucks with cheese and apple slices and crackers and nuts and berries.

i can't decide if i want time or money.
and no, it's not one of those things where if i go about it creatively enough i can end up with both and butterflies and birds flying and dancing around me.


I DONT WANT TO GROW UP.

i cant sleep and i wish i was stoned and i wish a lot of things.

without any premeditation, i found myself smoking alone in my car on the way to pick up louie. now i'm really stoned. everything seems like its taking a long time. like with people at stop signs and dogs walking by and cross traffic and i kept trying to figure out if things WERE actually taking a long time by how much of the song i was listening to was progressing and then the song changed and i thought 'this is taking forever to change' and then i didnt have anything to measure it by and then now this.

oh my god i throw up a lot.

tereza and tomas are bullshit.

last night i went to sleep and woke up at 915 and then went back to sleep and had a very detailed dream about the big love season finale, the premier of the next twilight movie, reading in a church where the priest who was in charge was the priest who died a few years ago, etc.

also about my grandpa. when we were in the church i saw that he had come in with my grandma. i didnt think this was weird. then when i went up to read i saw someone taking him back behind the alter and i thought, oh maybe they are going to do the anointing of the sick and then i though BUT WAIT, he already died. and then i realized he came back to life/hadnt died to begin with it was just a mistake and so then my grandma is explaining to me about how he was thought to be dead until a few days after the funeral and he it turned out he had just had a tumor in his brain that made him seem dead but then he woke up and so now they were taking back to give him these special shots that were going to cure him and so by the time i figured this out i was so distracted that i forgot what i was supposed to be reading and i was standing in front of the whole church and i turned around and walked up to the priest and said i'm sorry i cant do this right now maybe next time and he said oh thats okay and i went and sat back down.

then we were outside and i was explaining to one of my friends about what had happened to my grandpa and then we were walking by him and i stopped because i didnt want him to overhear me talking about him but he smiled and walked up and i put my arm around him and we were standing side by side and i finished explaining what had happened and then he was making faces like responding to what i was saying and made the 'pssssh' noise he used to always make to express how he agreed when i said he was really lucky and his face was really close to my face and it was skinny, like skinnier than in august, but not as skinny as in november. and i was telling different people that we had to go up and visit my grandparents right away so that they could get to know my grandma and grandpa now that he was alive again.


and then i was driving home and i turned around and noely was in my backseat. and he was all sassy and irish and just like "yeah i had to come back and it had to be a surprise because you never talk to me anymore' and i was so happy to see him.

sitting at work trying not to throw up. i'm not sure why i need to throw up, i just know that i don't want to. summer is coming. maybe i ate too many gummy bears? i want to sleep.

but and also probably because things aren't that bad at all.

i am doing well because i'm acting like nobody's dead and nada isn't leaving and money grows on trees and 25 is young.

i like this creature.

'the worst day of my life'

love is real. but i don't know much about it yet.

my grandma's face and her fidgeting hands while staring at her dead husband.



GOD.

mom "oh, good, you called! can you come home? shane is on his way and i picked up hayley from school and your dad is driving home because we are going up north because grandpa died"

me "yeah i saw that, hayley put it on facebook"

mom "haha, really? thats funny. okay, well hurry up"




my family is so fucking weird.

throughout my drive home from school after taking my first test of this semester, here is what i said out loud:

'fuck
'what the fuck'
'what the FUCK'
'what the fuck WAS that'
'FUCK'

i didnt do well.


and then i spilled my coffee. the clouds are so dope they remind me of rome and i opened the store for the first time today and i LOve it.

every day is such a good day and i'm so happy.

this is what i think about on my birthday

15-year-old dies in shooting

Author: Susan McRoberts Staff Writer
Date: February 2, 2002
Publication: Whittier Daily News, The (CA)
WHITTIER -- A 14-year-old boy who was playing with his father's high-powered rifle Friday shot and killed his 15-year-old friend at a home in a quiet Whittier neighborhood.

The shooting happened shortly after 2:30 p.m. inside the 14-year-old boy's home at 6300 Gregory Ave.
Police identified the dead boy as Nicholas Calamusa, who attended Whittier High School and graduated last year from Dexter Middle School in Whittier. Police said he was shot in the head.

hi

oh woooow. hello beautiful.

yeah. do you guys sell marlboro menthol smooths here?

you smoke? beautiful girl like you smoking, you're breaking my heart.

dope. how much are they?

4.50 but theres a special deal for regular. 2 for 3.50.

i'll have that

you are too beautiful to smoke

i get it. can you put the change on 2? thanks bye

is there an appropriate time to say what iäm thinking?

tonight my grandma was dancing to michael jackson and i was holding my grandpas hand at dinner feeling the blood pump through his veins and alec and shane reminded me of this weird dr seuss song we sang when we were little and olivia and isabel were doing my hair for almost two hours and when they finally finished i had a pony tail and my aunt is pregnant but she has only told me and her husband so far and i'm tired

intense, ruthless, domineering

all i know, is how incredibly high i am going to get tonight.

what the fuck. this week of nada being in san francisco has brought to my attention that she is not a permanent fixture in my whittier life. and shes going to go home.

what the fuck.

i don't know when i'm going to (honestly) want what i (truly) need. (from a man)