time take us forward

intense anxiety attack time. woke up every hour until nine this morning when i decided to just give up and get out of bed. joe came over and helped me(watched me) pack last night. i totally love him. um. i've been trying not to cry all day because i dont want to freak out my parents. i wish i had more time to spend with madison. baron kept rubbing my back yesterday and telling everyone where i was going and i thought about how when i was 13 and decided that if for some reason my dad wasn't around i would ask baron to walk me down the aisle, i thought about how that was such a good choice.
even though now i really dont want a wedding.
um
i'm sick. i feel like shit.
and


i burst a blood vessel in my eye after yelling at sara on the phone and then sobbing for an hour. that happened 6 days ago. my eye is still red. dominica's daughter bella thinks i look like a monster. i miss sara.

i'm missing hayleys graduation. i'm missing kevins graduation. i think they are great. i think everyone in the entire world should be at their graduations. i think its probably hard being the youngest.

i didnt get to go visit my cousin jon in jail. how could i leave him there without showing him my love and support. i think about him all the time. fuck i really wanted to see him before i left, i feel like a failure as a cousin.


its really hard not to cry when you're writing about why you want to cry while listening to songs from the amelie sound track that you used to know how to play but cant remember anymore because you gave the sheet music paraic wrote out for you to sean and he lost it.


i'm going to die old wearing a diaper, i'm not special.


yeah.
i think i should take buster for a walk before i leave but i'm probably not going to.


i dont like that i wont see shane and alec and hayley for three months.
i dont like that at all.


the day before garrett left he was a total spaz. tripping over everything and pacing around and I AM LIKE THAT TODAY.

on the way home from barons bbq yesterday, driving to my house to meet joe, i was blasting hip hop and dancing and excited.

there's things i'm not happy about.
there are things i'm conflicted about.



i love everyone and it gives me heavy boots, socks, pants, jackets, shirts, sweaters, outfits entire heaviness heavy heavy.



i went to mass yesterday at 6:30am with my dad. i went to the swap meet with erika and kelly after that.


l;k;asdfjasg;ljkahg;lkasjfqpeoiryua;d,mvns;aoiur1093ur;a,









































i'm excited. meow.

'have fun'
'i will! okay bye grandpa i love you!'
'yep'



hahahaha. i love my family.

i guess this is whats so great right now. the things that used to hurt me or bug me or make me anxious or throw me into a fit of rage or panic or depression

they just dont anymore.


i guess this is whats so great right now. i can believe the people that i care about. when they tell me how they feel, i believe them. because i can.


and i know that slowly there will be other things/people sliding into the same places in my life and pushing me into new areas of panic and new areas of anxiety.
but right now it feels great to have a clean slate.

last night me parents took my to phlight for dinner. it was really good and we even got dessert. after dinner i met jeanette and shane at coffee bean where the guys were meeting to go on a bike ride. shane wore really small shorts and kept making noises like my grandpa. i went home and danced on hayley while she was talking on the phone and then watched tv with louie and fell asleep on alecs bed. shane came home and slept on alecs bed too, and he kept waking me up in the middle of the night and telling me to scoot over. this morning. alec and bri were sleeping on the couch. hayley has her 8th grade dance tonight.

i dont care at work anymore. its so obvious. i have two days left. two. i have one and a half days left. how am i even supposed to care


at

all.

i fell asleep watching tv on alecs bed last night at 9:30. i woke up at 2:30am and could not fall asleep again until 6am.


i felt weird.
i felt sad and worried.

then i over slept and now i'm at work and karen is visiting from corporate so she is buying us all thai food for lunch.


"hola"
"hi"
"hola"
"hi"
"hola buenos tardes"
"hi, i dont speak spanish"
"bye"

the bra is going to be too big for me.

Hi, Christin,
I'm sending you down a cashmere pullover for your trip, in case of cold
weather, that I'm sure, it will be in the beginning of your trip. It can be
like that , aspecially in Germany. In the pkg, there is a bra, 36B, for
you or Hayley.
Also sending you a $100 check to use, as you wish.
Your voice mail box is FULL!?, in case you wouldn't know it, I couldn't
reach on it.
Please acknowledge this by email or a call.
Have a pleasant trip.
Love,
Grandma Magda

generally, when things seem too good to be true,
they are.



generally. not always.

this is whats going on in my life lately:

31-24-35

trying to order clothing online sucks. i mean, how are you supposed to know how it will fit. i don't have time to return shit. i'm leaving soon. i know my measurements, but....that does not make this easier.

WORK
A LOT.

last night i went to a 16th birthday party at a bowling alley. everyone kept trying to give me bowling tips. at one point i heard one of their grandmas say "i just have to help the poor girl out"



i wonder if people think i'm normal.
i am awkward. at least i think so. i dont think everyone else can tell, but the whole time, in my head, i'm awkward.



i just feel like making cat noises and squinting.

i
just don't even know how to say all that i want to say.
19 days.


if you know me and you know how when i'm really happy i bounce up and down in my seat and open and close my hands and smile until my eyes water,
then you know how i look right now.

i just yelled at someone from expedia on the phone. and when they put me on hold i started laughing uncontrollably.


right now i am $550.00 short, at least, of what i thought i would have. it sucks, but i've learned not to .... let certain people... become involved in my life... financially.

"don't mix money honey" as the korean woman who did my nails said.





i want to say this too. okay,

no i'm not going to say it yet.

'okay, i'm not judging you right now, because i know your hormones are all crazy, but


you are being such a bitch'

'hahahaha, i'm sorry. oh no, i'm really sorry...'

'like seriously, you've been nothing but a bitch all day, just pure picking arguements and disagreeing with everything i say'

'hahahahahahahah'




i think thats what its gonna be like to be old. like, when you're on your period, its basically a free pass to be a bitch and cry and complain. i feel like its the same when you're old. but better. because, you can take your teeth out and poop your pants with little reprecussions.