its like i dont feel like i get that drunk, but i must get just drunk enough. because i'm always mostly confused after.

erika is just a small tiny little girl that looks like a mouse and she likes to sleep and eat and cuddle with me. she takes care of her vagina. her dad makes us dinner all the time. she makes out with joe. king.

andy is just a small tiny little boy that looks like.... a cat? he likes to smoke cigarettes and eat spaghetti. he sits in erikas bed with us and watches movies and the lakers. he is always hungry. yesterday he had crazy farts.


john is funny. he yelled "FUCK" at erika today. so she finally took her car to car max.


i love you.

i woke up from a three hour nap today. i need naps. theres a weird movie on tv. about making porn.



bla bla bla bla making out

i'm going to be a kid forever.

wearing rain boots, max's worn in jeans and hayleys new big sweater. its grey outside.its raining outside. i feel so incredibly comfortable.

but now i'm torturing myself looking at the broken social scene tickets for sale on craigslist.

i i dont know, i'm sad i wont see the kids from my tuesday class anymore. i didnt even like them, but now that i know i wont see them, i'm sincerely bummed the fuck out.

the fact that i will soon be 25 keeps coming up

sometimes i know what i want
but
then sometimes i dont care



and so,
sometimes out of nowhere i dont want what i wanted.

i mean shit like this. i cried watching the miners getting rescued today. and i walked right into the wall in my room. and i kept fucking up the song i always play perfectly on the piano. and i got dressed and erika said she wanted to wear the outfit i was wearing so i just changed. and now i'm wearing yellow tights. and lately my throat just feels really like... weird. like thick or tight or something,


like what the fuck is that?

i just don't even know whats appropriate to say anymore. i mean, i don't like that i keep reopening the same box. the box that never changes, that box that always holds the same thing and never ends up feeling good. so, its just like, well, what else can i say about it?

cat noises.

i dont like anyone.
but i love joe and dominica and erika and madison and bella and penny and shane and jeanette and alec and hayley and bri and jake and madison and

stuff

i feel like i shouldnt have to try

so what happened with you guys when we left last night?
'nothing. and it never will! i just dont even care, i cant even make myself care'
oh my God. stop! stop thinking you're never going to be in love with anybody else.
'how do you know what i'm thinking. i never even told you that'
i can tell. i could always tell. just stop
'what if i can't? i've tried! what if i can't? i've tried so many times'
try HARDER!
'i try really really hard'
well, try harder.

are you ever like

"how the hell am i still stupid? after all the time i've spent on this earth and after all the people coming in and out of my life and after all the same experiences happening over and over again.... how do i not know? how the hell am i still stupid?"



i do.

all i want is to be up north with my grandparents right now.