some thing(s)

this morning i had a soft boiled egg, two slices of salami, an apple, and tea for breakfast.


now i am going to take a shower and go to the courthouse to get my birth certificate.

then i am going to vacuum my carpet.

then i am going to take buster for a walk.


this is a video of me eating cheese and a brownie:

i had a weird day and then a really great night.
i'm tired.
i love andydominicajoeeveryone

i'm completely crazy about moritz! he's excellent.

stupid and dumb, both.

motherfucking shit, now i just want to curl back up into a ball and chill out.

i don't like feeling frantic. i just felt frantic.

a million molecules of disenchantment are sprinkling down on me. i cannot wait to get away, but maybe i need to get away even more than i planned.

to not be afraid of new things.

"Be what you would seem to be - or, if you'd like it put more simply - never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise."


-lewis carrol

sometimes during my lunch break at work, i play solitaire on my ipod. when i get stuck, when there's no cards left showing that i can work with, it gives me two options:

restart game?
abandon game?

if i click restart, it restarts. reshuffles exactly the same order of the cards and deals them exactly the same way, its just up to me to figure out if i can move them around differently to get a better result.

but, if i click abandon game, it asks me again "abandon game?!?"
are you sure?



yes. abandon game. i was losing.

eh

i need to have someone suck the tension out of my entire body.
if i was a guy, that would sound way perverted.


maybe it is still way perverted?


the other night we were playing shuffleboard at my parents house. i went pee and when i walked back into the garage joe, garrett, and my dad were rolling cigarettes. he rolled it using a one dollar bill and it was super fat. my dad said "its been awhile since i rolled one" and joe asked "when's the last time you rolled a cigarette?" and my dad said "well... let me put is this way, i've never rolled a cigarette" and then he, my mom, alec, me, dominica, and basically everyone else in the garage except hayley passed around the cigarettes and tried to blow O's.

the noise at the beginning of crimson and clover

i am sad that we won't have that day. i'm sorry. i am sad that we won't have that day. i'm sorry. i'm sad sorry sad sorry. otherwise, i am A okay.
i think. i try not to think. i'm choking on something right now, my neck and throat are tense.

people don't go to vegas and get married after they break up. people shouldn't even date again after they've already broken up. five years later, i can say that. i can say that really most likely (surely) probably if you broke up once you'll do it again. i dont like that i even care about this. i never wanted anything. this is what i want to be understood. i never wanted anything. then i started to. now i want to not want anything. i just dont even give a fuck. i can sit here at my desk and my mocassins are sweaty because i'm not wearing socks and the entire office can tell i'm hung over and and i cant pull my hood down over my head hard enough but i keep trying and fucking trying to stretch it down and over my face and past my stomache and around my feet and then back up to where i started and then poof i've disappeared and the empty sweatshirt falls to the floor and make sure to clapbecause it was a wonderful trick but who cares where i went.

this is what i want. fuck you if you loved me and didn't treat me like it, and fuck you if you loved me and you were silent. and fuck you if you loved me and you left me. and fuck you if you think you couldn't keep me, just because you weren't doing it right. and fuck everyone else because if you like me it annoys the shit out of me. i dont want to be in this relationship, i dont want to be in any relationship. i want to judge other people's relationship. i want to think you guys are so fucking stupid. i want to wonder why anyone would ever want to be stuck together. i want to feel better than it because i dont want it. i cannot think of one man i've been with who i should still be with. because i shouldn't be with anyone. and i dont want M to fucking recycle reuse recycle again and i want everyone to shut up and stop speculating about how P and i are destined to be together and i don't want J to tell me he's never loved anyone else because i dont Give a fuck. peel off your dead skin.

i dont think i make sense. but i'm still choking and my hood still wont swallow me whole.
this is whats funny. this is me always. but i tucked it away and it didnt need to surface and i would have been stupidly(?) happy and along for the ride and there were a million of those days. but now i cant think of a worse fate. because i HATE fake, and thats what it'd be.

yesterday arthur asked me what i wanted to accomplish through my trip. i think that was the question, or at least thats the question i ended up answering. in bio class i made a list of things i want to 'accomplish' this summer. nothing that requires money or time really, just things i want to do, thinks i absolutely could do as long as i dont hold myself back. then i sketched a picture of the foreign boy. i realized the girl behind me could see that i was drawing him. she probably thinks i'm in love. i'm in love with a lot of things right now, scents, tastes, textures, sounds.

i love my paper cut right now. it keeps re-opening, maybe it won't ever heal.

last night i went to an angels game, it was cool. i had never been to that stadium before. i had almost been there before. i was glad i had never been there before.

today arthur asked me to give him a ride somewhere, so i did. he jumped out of the car on the freeway and ran away.

that e-mail made me want to crawl into a dark hole where i would have to contort my body into the smallest ball it could make in order to fit . i would feel the ceiling and walls pushing down on me and all around me and there would somehow be a cool breeze filtering in even after the entire hole is closed up and i can only sit there and wait. i want to feel pressure and darkness and be cold and alone.


it made me not want to feel anything ever again because i dont think i know how and i dont think i know what or who or when or why about anything.

my mom wanted to draw on my arm. i said "draw something that i could get as a tattoo"

i looked down and she had written "i love christin" and i said

"you think i should get that as a tattoo? that i love myself?"
and she said

"oh, i thought you said that i should draw a tattoo i would get"

and then i said

"you would get a tattoo that says 'i love christin?'"
and she shrugged.

godly gorgeous

today the doctor who doesn't like me because i wouldn't go out with him is here. its so funny whenever we work together because we are so short with each other and communicate as little as possible. he wears really squeaky shoes so i can hear him coming from a mile away whenever he walks up to my part of the office. he got a haircut. i remember pauline said "you'd be a fool not to go out with him. but you'd be an even bigger fool to sleep with him, he could get anyone." i decided to be fool number 1.
the first patient this morning did not speak a single word of english. we both kept trying to talk and then would end up just staring into each others' eyes in desperation with our hands up and shoulders shrugged.

i'm listening to the pieces sean wrote and posted online. they're beautiful. i think if derick heard it he would cry. i love that he cries about music. they're really soft and almost romantic sounding. he keeps wanting me to write with him, but i don't know what it is about me that just ... i don't know i just cant get into it. i have so many tiny pieces that i write and really like and i don't have the motivation to finish them, to find the beginning and end. i'm going to try harder.


i'm going to try harder at everything, actually.


this morning i woke up when my alarm went off, i turned around and said, 'i had the weirdest dream, you were in it'
i was alone. i don't remember who i thought i was talking to.