that e-mail made me want to crawl into a dark hole where i would have to contort my body into the smallest ball it could make in order to fit . i would feel the ceiling and walls pushing down on me and all around me and there would somehow be a cool breeze filtering in even after the entire hole is closed up and i can only sit there and wait. i want to feel pressure and darkness and be cold and alone.


it made me not want to feel anything ever again because i dont think i know how and i dont think i know what or who or when or why about anything.