i am not good at this and i freak myself out and i want to just get out and i want to break things and i want to

\
and breathe and float and take warm baths and drink tea and feel the sun and yeah i want to ride the metro and eat weird food and wear the same shirt everyday. and yeah fuck i even want to be reading nada's copy of lord of the rings while i'm riding a train through the alps and i want to be wearing costumes and walking around berlin and drinking warm beer

so maybe i am anxious because i need a trip? but maybe i need a trip because i'm anxious?

i never understand myself.