i want to do whatever my parents want me to do because i love them and i want them to have the life they thought they were going to have, the daughter they thought they were going to have and i don't want them to be scared and i don't want them to be threatened and i don't want them to worry.

but,
i don't know how to do it anymore without compromising the life that i want to have.

my mom just knows how to vocalize every small doubt i feel in the back of my brain and state it like its fact and not a paranoid speculation. they think if my job doesn't let me come back i'm 'really just throwing away perfectly good life and when you come home its gonna be in shambles and you might never get it back together' basically.
basically, i don't want to be a secretary anymore. basically, i've wanted to quit and go to school full time and just be poor as fuck for the past year. basically, if my job can't be flexible with my desire to explore and travel, then its not the job for me. BASICALLY LET ME DECIDE.

i'm the oldest child. i'm the girl. my dad treats me like more of a baby than anyone else in my family, even my 13 year old sister. i love him very much, but what am i supposed to do? stay at home? work full time? buy a good car? is that too much to ask? could i just decide to make one person happy and it will be him? i don't want to dissapoint him. i don't know how to talk to him about how i feel. he treats me like a little girl still. they don't mind if i drink like an adult or smoke like an adult or move out like an adult, i can go out and take shots and sing karaoke and stop at del taco on the way home with them, but when i try to explain to them, like an adult, how i feel, i'm 10. i'm 9, i'm 7 and i have warts on my hands i'm 5 and i can't tie my shoe.


"my parents are so negative and just making me feel so irresponsible and stupid for going on the trip and its just making me feel like such shit"
"well, come over and we'll pump you up"
"i'm coming over"
"that's what he said"
"there was such a good thats what she said today at work i will tell you when i see you"
"ok yeah mine sucked i just wanted to cheer you up"


i'm 24. i'm 24 and i wanted to say that i'm young but that actually doesnt sound that young to me right now and its the reason i just want to do what the fuck i feel like i need to do because next year i'm going to be 25 and then 26 and then 27 and then 28 and then 29 and then 30. you know, its just going to keep going. i'm sorry and i want to be good and i want to please my family and i want them to be proud of me and i want them to support me and i want them to be excited for me and i want them to trust me. i feel like i could've said anything else 'i'm pregnant' ' i'm dropping out of school to work full time' 'i got married for money' anything, any other horrible fucking thing and it would be better than 'i'm going to europe for a few months'







well, i am.


i'm nervous too. i'm nervous about my entire life.
and shane's going to mexico for a week and i'm going to be sad.