don't speak, i can feel you

'why did you do that?! you know better'
'i don't want to even talk about it. you're making me anxious. my hands are all clammy. i know. you're right, i know. but what i know doesn't always affect my actions.'
'i just hope you're okay'
'he looks at me like he wants to give me every single thing in the entire world . . . but he's not going to'
'i'm sorry'
'my shits all fucked up'
'i know'
'okay.'



when i got to joe's they were still at the store picking up beer. i put my seat back all the way, turned the radio up, and water poured out of the corners of my eyes. i did not feel like i was crying. it just happened. then the car pulled up and i returned my seat to its normal position, turned the radio off, wiped my cheeks, and went inside.

i smoked a lot. garett and i smoked A LOT. i like when he's around because he will just never stop smoking if i don't stop. joe was setting up the playstation FOREVER, hooking it up to the t.v, then comptuer, then t.v. kevin was there too. i said something creepy about him but i cant remember what is was now. we watched 'waltz with bashir.' sean came home. i was standing on a skateboard and he said "that is exactly what you looked like when you were little. i know it." i felt little.

arthur came over while i was getting ready to leave. i never know when arthur is serious. or when he really wants my answer or an answer to analyze. arthur asked me 'do you think if paraic never left you would still be dating him?' kevin was there. so was everyone else, but kevin is the one who still tries to talk to me about him. i wanted to answer honestly. i wanted to say 'i think a lot of things would have to be different, not just us living in the same city, a lot of things would have already had to have happened differently, its really hard to say. i don't think so. but there was definitely a time that i would have liked to be with paraic. it probably just wasn't supposed to happen or something'

but since arthur asked me, i just said 'no' and walked away.