and we are friends again.

saturday work was a blur. i was being too bitchy and my boss was being too nice to me. madison called and rapped me a song about breaking up. i love him. i mean, how can i not just love him. after work i drove to the hills by my house and took a walk. it was beautiful, and freezing, and quite. shane and jeanette wanted to take me to eat. they don't really leave me alone right now, which is excellent. everywhere they suggested i would say "fuck that. i'm never eating there again" and then shane would say "for the obvious reason?" and i would say "yeah. fuck that." and he would laugh. then we started doing it for me and more things until it was just funny.
so we went to azabu, where james and jon met us. it was the first time i had eaten all day, but i finished less than half of what i ordered. at home me jon jeanette and jose got really stoned. then juliet came over, and i got more stoned. we were lying on the floor in my room forever not moving. but i felt fine.
sunday morning we had to go to newport to do the shoot with jonathan. which was sorta fucked because i feel so down right now. but it was a lot of fun and we all made money. after i dropped off sara and jeanette i went to the good will and found a BUNCH of shit. i even found the doc martins i had been wanting. i came home and smoked with shane and then left to go to bella's 4th birthday party. i hadn't been high by myself in a really long time. i decided to run a few errands by myself. i became friends with myself. we laughed at everything.
i got to the party feeling like a million bucks. then i slowly deteriorated. i watched the hangover with andy and dominica. which i thought was stupid. because it is. its so stupid. shane and i got ready then jeanette picked us up and we picked up jon.
when we got to the continental everyone got out of the car and i practically screamed "YOU SAID WE COULD SMOKE FIRST" so then everyone looked at me for a second, and got back into the car. colby's band was excellent. i immediately downed two drinks. monique and jeanette were making me laugh. colby and shane and jon were excellent. and on the way home i thought about,

how what the fuck was i ever thinking. it is what it is and he is who he is and hes the boy that doesn't know what he wants, and if he all the sudden is saying he cant get over shit, i don't buy it, because i got over a bunch. and for every reason i ever thought i didnt try or its my fault, i'm now sure that its not. i want more out of life. i dont want to settle for the norm and whats to be expected. not all men are pigs and not all men are pushy and not all men are lazy and not all men are hypocritical and not all men need so much and give so little.

i will try not to be bitter. i will try to stay positive. i will not let this ruin the next chance i have with someone. i will not go backwards. i will learn from this and move on and i will not think romantically about "love that just couldn't find a way to work" because i still believe that love will always work. if its true. its stronger than pride and its stronger than jealousy and its good. i believe that.

so i'm choking everything down now. i'm dealing with it now. but one day i won't be dealing with it anymore.