&stuff from this week

November 25 at 10:23pm
'i'm really full and really tired' i said because he looked like thats how he felt. then i sat down on the couch next to him as he agreed and pulled me closer so my head was resting on his chest. i didnt put my full weight down because i dont know how strong he is anymore. i could hear his heart beating and his breathing and i hoped someone would walk by and take a picture but then i thought it didnt really matter because i would remember this and my neck started to hurt because that was the only thing supporting my weight and i started to think about all the people i've lied down next to and stared into their eyes and listened to breath and how much i want to lie down and stare into his e yes and cry and i wont have to say anything and he could cry and he wouldnt have to say anything and i never know how to deal with anything so i dont know how to tell him how much i love him because i say 'i love you' and it doesnt sound like enough and so then i said i need coffee and got up and drank coffee and i guess he doesnt look that much different than other grandpas now, but he looks a lot different than hes always looked and hes typing out his old journals and hes not taking as many pictures and i need to do something but i cant figure out what the fuck it is. so then i was mean to hayley.

November 24 at 11:58am
today my grandma was making a cake and she gave my grandpa the bowl and spoons she was using after so he could lick the chocolate batter off. he was sitting at the desk on his laptop licking this huuuuuuge spoon and my grandma said 'he loves doing that he used to lick the spoons when he was a little boy all the time because his mom baked a lot' and i looked at him and he looked like a little boy.

November 23 at 10:11pm
i sat and watched the bay area news for one hour because i wanted to sit next to my grandpa and thats what he was watching. he passed me a list of all the cities he went to on the freedom tour. i read it. we kept sitting there. there was a story about north korea/south korea he made the 'psssssh' noise he always makes. i said yeah. then there was story about the pope saying male and female prostitues using condoms would be the lesser evil compared to them infecting others with HIV and the reporter said that it was a sign of the church changing and he said 'well it needs to change' and i said 'yeah it does' then the weather was on and he had kept talking about how cold it was going to get so i said 'did you see that?! 28 in napa today!' and he went 'pssssssh' and then he said 'its going to freeze tonight, we are going to lose some plants' and i didnt hear him so i didnt respond and then i thought about it and i figure out what he said but it was too late to respond so i said nothing. then he muted it when there was commericals on and i said 'theres way too many commercials' and he said 'yeah. i will leave this with you now, because i am going to sleep' and i said 'yeah you guys need to wake up early to go to the hospital and he said i dont think heard me so he didnt say anything and then a few seconds later he realized what i said and he said 'yeah pretty early' and then he explained how to use the remote control to me. its the same remote control we have at home. i know how to use it. but he explained it to me for a solid three minutes and i let him and i asked questions about it. i didnt do that just because hes dying. i've always let him explain things to me that i already understand. like this one time in budapest, he was showing me and my mom and sara and paraic how to use the metro. we passed the stop we were supposed to get off on. i whispered to paraic, 'we were supposed to get off there' and he looked at me and was kind of laughing and said 'why didnt you say anything?' and i said 'because my grandpa is showing us how to use the metro' and then two stops later my grandpa realized we had passed it and we all got off and then back on going the other way.


i dont know what the fuck to do

November 22 at 7:12pm
i just want my grandpa to get mad at me for being on the comptuer. he always used to flip out when we were on his computers because he doesnt want us to break them. i've been on it for 30 minutes and hes walked by twice and not said anything and he came back from mcdonalds with two large french fries beacuse he wante dtha to eat and only that and i sat there and ate way more pieces of pizza then i was actually hungry for because i wanted to watch his hands pick up the fries and put them in his mouth and i love his fingertips and i want him to care about me being on this stupid computer right now but hes depressed and hes dying and all he realyl is thinking about is how tired he is and what time chemo is tomorrow and his headache and how hes not going to be able to sleep tonight and I DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO.