yesterday morning austin brought me flowers. they were 4 feet tall and tightly wrapped in the brown paper that i used to cover my school books with. i like the paper more than the flowers. i wanted to tape it up across the wall. flowers are nice but thank you for paper? he made a vase out of a gigantic water bottle and we put them in the living room, threw the paper away. later i took it back out of the trash and it is folded neatly under my dresser.
sometimes people tell me how nice i am. i'm not nice. i just love love love constantly.
i keep describing people like this "you're going to meet my friend madison, and i love him." and when i say it i feel it in every part of my body all at once. i love so many people. sometimes i list them in my head. i wish i had the clock that mrs weasley has in harry potter that tells her where everyone is/how safe they are.but my clock would be gigantic. i would have no time for anything else except sitting and watching my clock. the other night i had a dream that my whole family died and i was crying to sara saying "please get them back i need them to be alive why did they die?" and she was really apathetic saying "well, i dont know what to tell you now, they're already dead"
i will disappear in one second, which is fine, but you could disappear in one second. thats not fine. i would like to know how people think thats fine.
usually i love strangers the most. its easier.
this is why i think i shouldn't have kids. could you even imagine? i would not be able to function.
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