the things i want are hard to get

sunday morning i woke up in the weirdest mood. i felt off. i didn't remember my dream until sara and i were inside rite aid. in my dream i was inside my parents house lying on the couch when i heard my brother, shane or alec, yell from outside "christin, come out here. christin, we have a surprise for you" i remember when those words used to make me think, well not so much think but wish, that the following sentence would be "he's alive. they were wrong. it wasn't him" but thats a different dream, and nicks been gone too long for me to still hope that. maybe. in this one i'm called outside, and the second i open the door i see andy standing on the grass. he's wearing a t-shirt and shorts, with both his hands in his pocket. his eyes are bright blue. his hair is short and he's clean shaven. he is smiling. everyone is standing around, like i have to walk through this aisle of people to finally reach him. my brothers and paco and andy's mom are standing behind him in a distance looking at me and robin says "we fixed him for you" and i grabbed his head and starting squeezing him, and then pulling back to look at his eyes and then squeezing him again and crying and whispering to him all the things i missed and all the things i was scared about and he was finally healthy and happy and we had the rest of our lives and i was smiling at everyone through my tears while saying "thank you, thank you"


how can i make that happen in real life. can i make that happen in real life? could i go and tell him? could i find him, could i grab him and shake him and stare him dead in the eyes and say "i love you please stop just stop come back" what if he's not there? could i put up signs with his picture "have you seen this boy? i love him. he is my family. help him"


sometimes i see robin and i wonder how she would tell me if he died.