as a matter of fact, i'm a three dimensional

"im scared of life with out you. i understand, ive done fucked up things too. i just wanted to try and tell you. and its not a lie i have thought about you every night. bye christin. i love you.

michael"


"you said you don't care anymore, i'm scared you mean it and i'm going to be home soon. i've done way more fucked up things and i know it so i will have to settle with you not being an unspoiled virgin. i am trying to make you feel like shit. if i was thinking about you everytime i made out with someone else, especially in front of you, does that make it okay? the fake good bye, works evertime. remember remember remember feel guilty feel guilty feel guilty you're trapped you're trapped you're trapped

michael"

thank you for letting me out of my cage, i'm not quite ready to return.

action!

"wait, do you need a man to be happy? i always liked that you weren't like that"

"it's not that. i don't need anything. but i do, i do want that. i do look forward to the future spent with a partner. i could do a million things on my own and feel fantastic but what about sharing that with someone? i think i want that. i want to share"

"i don't know if thats different"

"i think its absolutely different"

"what about love? do you want love or just to share. like, do you want a partner or a lover?"

"this might not be related, but i've never slept with someone who didn't say they loved me"

"that seems like a good rule"

"no, you misunderstand me. everytime i sleep with someone, they tell me they love me. during. i know they aren't even aware of it most of the time, its like a reflex, but they do. love is a word or a feeling or something that hardly exists. you can have it or give it or take it or lose it. sharing is the action. i want to argue and joke and wrestle and learn and teach and share. i want action."

you want to know me?

yesterday morning austin brought me flowers. they were 4 feet tall and tightly wrapped in the brown paper that i used to cover my school books with. i like the paper more than the flowers. i wanted to tape it up across the wall. flowers are nice but thank you for paper? he made a vase out of a gigantic water bottle and we put them in the living room, threw the paper away. later i took it back out of the trash and it is folded neatly under my dresser.

sometimes people tell me how nice i am. i'm not nice. i just love love love constantly.

i keep describing people like this "you're going to meet my friend madison, and i love him." and when i say it i feel it in every part of my body all at once. i love so many people. sometimes i list them in my head. i wish i had the clock that mrs weasley has in harry potter that tells her where everyone is/how safe they are.but my clock would be gigantic. i would have no time for anything else except sitting and watching my clock. the other night i had a dream that my whole family died and i was crying to sara saying "please get them back i need them to be alive why did they die?" and she was really apathetic saying "well, i dont know what to tell you now, they're already dead"

i will disappear in one second, which is fine, but you could disappear in one second. thats not fine. i would like to know how people think thats fine.

usually i love strangers the most. its easier.

this is why i think i shouldn't have kids. could you even imagine? i would not be able to function.

styrofoam anniversary

how weird is it to be in a packed elevator that is completely silent. how stupid to be so close to other living breathing (capable of thoughts and feelings and memories and ideas) human beings while doing nothing but trying to act like they don't exist. how many floors or walls or ceilings do people awkwardly stare at to avoid interaction? today riding the elevator in the morning some man turned around right as the doors were shutting and, looking at everyone, said "you all have a wonderful day!" i was so happy i wanted to kiss him. later in the day i had my chance. i once again found myself in the elevator with four people. i soon discovered none of them spoke english. i also discovered that none of them wanted to talk to me. they wanted to stare at the ceiling, walls, shit stains on the floor, but please GOD no they did not want to talk to me. i gave up. but as i was stepping out of the metal box of isolation i turned around and (accidentally much louder than i had intended) yelled "have a good day!" while tripping over my sandal strap which had come undone. the man in the wheelchair smiled. i wanted to kiss him too.

last night austin came over. i think he's cool.

the things i want are hard to get

sunday morning i woke up in the weirdest mood. i felt off. i didn't remember my dream until sara and i were inside rite aid. in my dream i was inside my parents house lying on the couch when i heard my brother, shane or alec, yell from outside "christin, come out here. christin, we have a surprise for you" i remember when those words used to make me think, well not so much think but wish, that the following sentence would be "he's alive. they were wrong. it wasn't him" but thats a different dream, and nicks been gone too long for me to still hope that. maybe. in this one i'm called outside, and the second i open the door i see andy standing on the grass. he's wearing a t-shirt and shorts, with both his hands in his pocket. his eyes are bright blue. his hair is short and he's clean shaven. he is smiling. everyone is standing around, like i have to walk through this aisle of people to finally reach him. my brothers and paco and andy's mom are standing behind him in a distance looking at me and robin says "we fixed him for you" and i grabbed his head and starting squeezing him, and then pulling back to look at his eyes and then squeezing him again and crying and whispering to him all the things i missed and all the things i was scared about and he was finally healthy and happy and we had the rest of our lives and i was smiling at everyone through my tears while saying "thank you, thank you"


how can i make that happen in real life. can i make that happen in real life? could i go and tell him? could i find him, could i grab him and shake him and stare him dead in the eyes and say "i love you please stop just stop come back" what if he's not there? could i put up signs with his picture "have you seen this boy? i love him. he is my family. help him"


sometimes i see robin and i wonder how she would tell me if he died.