i couldnt sleep so i started looking through pictures of my family and friends and finding ones where they looked happy, which would make me happy, which would allow my mind to rest and my body to follow.


i cant sleep. because i dont know if everyone is happy and it makes me cold and sad.

i cant sleep because im thinking about strangers i've walked by who didn't look happy.

i can't sleep because it is infuriating that life is not fair.

and that humans create so many things to feel that they are somehow leveling the playing field, giving them some type of control and some type of chance, but everyone is walking to the same wall to be executed the same way that everyone else has and will be.

which is why i need them to be happy.

this is getting worse. and now i can't sleep because i'm typing.

my grandma forwards me all these emails but they show up as coming from my grandpa because they shared an e-mail account and when he died she made her own but never uses it and just uses his. and i dont know if she expects me to respond to all these emails. to all the forwarded articles and videos and pictures. and isnt it weird when you dont live with your siblings anymore. and isn't it great when you feel great. annnnnnnnd

i mean i do like both these songs anyway

ah this song! i have never heard it and i was looking up videos of my favorite contestant on the voice, dia frampton. that sounds stupid but i don't care, i like that show. ANYWAY. then i found her cover of this song and its FUCKING GOOD.



there was a time in my life where it would have really benefitted me to be listening to that song as opposed to this one,



ha!

i am not good at this and i freak myself out and i want to just get out and i want to break things and i want to

\
and breathe and float and take warm baths and drink tea and feel the sun and yeah i want to ride the metro and eat weird food and wear the same shirt everyday. and yeah fuck i even want to be reading nada's copy of lord of the rings while i'm riding a train through the alps and i want to be wearing costumes and walking around berlin and drinking warm beer

so maybe i am anxious because i need a trip? but maybe i need a trip because i'm anxious?

i never understand myself.