my subconscious is not on my side.

of course i had a dream last night that paraic came home.
thats what always happens. once i resign myself to just not think about him, he creeps into the smallest parts of my brain and ambushes me when i cant prevent it. whats that one thom yorke song? the more you try to erase me the more that i appear.

shane, sara and i were going to a party that was being held at a cafeteria which looked like the place meghan and hunter had their wedding. we were walking in and i remember feeling like my boots were too big and it was hard to walk. then shane said, "i think i just saw fernelly. yeah outside through that window i can see fernelly and paraic. christin, paraic came home. he surprised you" and i was trying to look through the window but it was like there were all these window panes and it was hard to find anyone and then finally i saw him and i started crying really hard and he walked inside and was hugging me and i noticed that he had been sitting at the head of a table of a bunch of our friends and i was just like "great, everyone is seeing me cry" but i couldn't stop and i kept touching his face.

then, it was like a week had passed or something and i was at a family party. i walked outside to have a cigarette. there was a huge flaming ball floating down from the sky in slow motion which i thought was fireworks. i went inside and my whole family was talking about how there was a meteor that was going to smash into somewhere out in the pacific and it was going to just completely wipe out the entire coast. my dad told me to call my aunt gubi because she was at the beach with her kids that day. when i did call she told me she was already on her way to arizona, because my aunt donna had called her and said that "even past whittier" was going to be completely destroyed as well. so i told my family and we went home and started packing things. i was trying to decide what to take and i was just happy we were all going to leave and be safe.

i called paraic to warn him and his family. i asked him to come with us. but he said "i just got home i dont want to leave yet" and i said "but you're going to die" and in my head i knew that sean and pauline were already packing stuff and getting ready to leave but he was just being stubborn and stupid. i was begging him to please come with me and i was panicking and breathing really hard, everything was spinning and trying to think of ways i could get him to safety. i decided that i would just stay too and when my family wasn't paying attention i got in my car, the new white one, and drove to his house. when i was driving i could see the meteor getting lower and lower in my rear view mirror. the meteor was really pretty.