"I miss you a lot, and you are always one of the first people i want to see when I'm home. Always"
that is why i love you with the tiniest parts of my heart.
Friday, February 19, 2010
feel it all
it's gray outside, then started to rain. which i feel is overkill. i cannot choke down my oatmeal. every bite feels too big. its getting colder and more digusting. when i have a lot on my mind, its not so much going to sleep thats the problem, its staying asleep. i wake up.
suddenly.
and then i lie and think. and feel. until it gets closer and closer to when i'm supposed to wake up. so i take a shower at 5:30 instead of 6:30. i get to work 45 minutes early and,
sit.
i am upset. i want to be more angry or sad. but i'm just this middle floating upsetness that just.... feels .. worse.
mmmm, so many things. so many things that i cannot do anything about. when i was in kindergarten there was a boy in my class whose mom had just died. i missed my flight to paris one time because i was too sick. my friend got his face blown off with a rifle. old people come into my office with no one to take care of them. my parents struggle everyday with money. there are babies everywhere. people don't get what they expect. people don't get what they want. people don't get what they deserve. people are sad. i'm sad. and worse, i'm bitter.
i am hallucinating classical music right now. i might not be hallucinating it but i cannot fucking figure out where the fuck its coming from and its making me feel
insane.
today will be manageable, so will tommorrow. but sunday.
fuck i am not looking forward to sunday.
suddenly.
and then i lie and think. and feel. until it gets closer and closer to when i'm supposed to wake up. so i take a shower at 5:30 instead of 6:30. i get to work 45 minutes early and,
sit.
i am upset. i want to be more angry or sad. but i'm just this middle floating upsetness that just.... feels .. worse.
mmmm, so many things. so many things that i cannot do anything about. when i was in kindergarten there was a boy in my class whose mom had just died. i missed my flight to paris one time because i was too sick. my friend got his face blown off with a rifle. old people come into my office with no one to take care of them. my parents struggle everyday with money. there are babies everywhere. people don't get what they expect. people don't get what they want. people don't get what they deserve. people are sad. i'm sad. and worse, i'm bitter.
i am hallucinating classical music right now. i might not be hallucinating it but i cannot fucking figure out where the fuck its coming from and its making me feel
insane.
today will be manageable, so will tommorrow. but sunday.
fuck i am not looking forward to sunday.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
2x1/1x6/2x8
when i drive to work in the morning the sun is rising and i love it.
today i didnt go to work, because i have school.
today i didn't go to school.
michael is in the shower screaming "i'm going to DISNEYLAND TODAY!!!" ..."oh,um, and YOU ARE TOO!"
and right now as i am typing this an overwhelming smell of catshit is engulfing me. its disgusting.
Friday, January 22, 2010
mmmmmmm
there's this short story, where, i'm assuming the entire earth, experiences this huge storm, and then the rain stops, and the wind stops, but the clouds and gray skies never clear up. people begin flocking to the spots where a tiny pocket of sunlight breaks through the clouds.
what if that happens?
and i don't like when i'm feeling something, and i hear a song about how i feel. like maybe i should think, "yeah, man. you get. you totally get it" but instead its, "fuck you. don't sing about how i feel."
rain boots are heavy and my legs hurt.
what if that happens?
and i don't like when i'm feeling something, and i hear a song about how i feel. like maybe i should think, "yeah, man. you get. you totally get it" but instead its, "fuck you. don't sing about how i feel."
rain boots are heavy and my legs hurt.
Monday, January 18, 2010
i will always be around
its' gray outside. the wind rocked my car while i sat smoking a cigarette during a thirty minute lunch break.
there is one million contradictory thoughts floating through my brain right now. i can make people's words go in one ear and out the other, i want to make my own do the same. i want to be blank. i want to fall in a hole or jump in a pool of water and sit at the bottom. i would like to be rain or the clouds or the wind. especially the wind. i didn't take buster for a walk this weekend. all he wants is a walk and i couldn't give it to him. and now its raining and i wont be able to take him for a walk for another few days. i start school wednesday. i want to quite my job and only go to school. i rarely do what i want though. i think i used to? i feel so,
old. and
bad.
there is one million contradictory thoughts floating through my brain right now. i can make people's words go in one ear and out the other, i want to make my own do the same. i want to be blank. i want to fall in a hole or jump in a pool of water and sit at the bottom. i would like to be rain or the clouds or the wind. especially the wind. i didn't take buster for a walk this weekend. all he wants is a walk and i couldn't give it to him. and now its raining and i wont be able to take him for a walk for another few days. i start school wednesday. i want to quite my job and only go to school. i rarely do what i want though. i think i used to? i feel so,
old. and
bad.
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