S
H
I
T.

i exist

i sort of lie when people ask me what i want to do, what my goal is. because i think they want a serious answer, and although i do want to do a lot of things, seriously, my real answer is, "i just want to be happy."


is that depressing?
i think it's kind of funny.

because i'm not saying i'm not now, just that i want to be. who knows if i am. but i want to be.

forever!

manic

austin called me possibly 6 times in the past two days and i dont think thats annoying or weird and i think i want to talk to him and see him because i called him a few days before that. but i cant bring myself to answer the phone and i cant bring myself to call him back and i certainly cant figure out a reason for it because there is none. or there is one huge one. obviously. but i cant let that matter. i, may or may not, be a horrible wreck when it comes to all matters of love. and loss. the instant one of my friends died i haven't lived the same. the first time i saw the end of love i haven't thought of it the same. i hate butts because one time i got grossed out. i guess that last one isn't related.

this is what i know (Part 2?)

nothing. and how silly to have ever thought i did.

the thing is i can write and play and drink and smoke and laugh and live all the time, but there's these tiny molecules that float around and they're too tiny to get rid of but too big to ignore all the time and its as if they hold messages for me. sarcastic, skeptical, bitchy messages. "really, christin? really?" "is that what you really think?" "is this what you really want?" "are you happy? yes you're happy. are you content?"

"are you really this right here right now and every second of your life led to this moment and here i am this tiny molecule floating right across yours eyes, right up your nose and out your ears, swirling around you, mixing you up, spinning you until you can't remember the beginning or the end or what side or good or bad or what the hell are you doing anyway, is this really you?"

how the fuck am i supposed to know?!